How He Loves

I'm not a trendy Christian.  I don't keep up with the latest worship trends or songs.  Sorry.  I mean, I go to a baptist church, so it's not all my fault, right?  (That's kind of a joke and kind of not...anyways...)  So we went to this worship service the other night at a church here in town that I didn't even know existed.  It's this little church where they were having a youth lock-in.  Blah, blah, blah...none of this has anything to do with my point.  So, there was this one song where there is a line, "If His grace is an ocean we're all sinking."  Wow.  I mean, wow.  What a fantastic line.  I've been thinking about it.  How true is this line, this concept.  His grace is like an ocean and living in it is a lot like drowning. 

In my trouble I called to the Lord, and he answered me;

From the belly of Sheol I cried out, and You heard my voice.

You cast me into the depths, into the heart of the sea,

The floods engulfed me; All Your breakers and billows swept over me.

I thought I was driven away out of Your sight:

Would I ever gaze again upon Your holy temple?

The waters closed in over me, the deep engulfed me.

Weeds twined around my head.

I sank to the base of the mountains; the bars of the earth closed upon me forever.

Yet you brought my life up from the pit, O Lord my God!

When my life was ebbing away, I called the Lord to mind;

And my prayer came before You, into Your holy temple.

They who cling to empty folly forsake their own welfare,

but, I with loud thanksgiving, will sacrifice to You;

What I have vowed I will perform.

Deliverance is the Lord's!

Lord, cause me to drown so I may emerge a new creature, alive in your grace; (even if I'm covered in whale vomit.)

What art thou that Usurp'st this Time of Night?

"Is it everything you thought it would be," she asks, seductively leaning against the door frame. Look at her, the whole world at her fingertips. Her confident air is so intoxicating it's sickening. Who does she think she is? She has come here to boast and gawk. She is also angry and vindictive in her tone. 'What have you done to me,' her eyes imply. Who is she? Why is she here? Has she come to torment me? How could she possibly have any influence over me? She has none. I have conquered her. What nerve she has asking me anything! What does she know? What could she possibly know? She has never done a thing for herself! She is incapable of an independent thought. She lives under an illusion of independence. Were illusions ever so bad?

I stand up, facing her. She flinches and she hopes I do not notice. We stand nose to nose, eye to eye. Some things never change. She tries to show her superiority over me. She relies too strongly on the physical. She is no match in strength but she knows she reigns in quickness. She chooses not to make a move in retreat, almost certain I will not harm her. I consider addressing her question, but I resist. I have no need to defend my choices. She would never understand my reasoning. All she knows is youth and beauty. She lives in a suspended state, unaware that these things fade. She has no idea I have not inflicted anything upon her and I let her accusations drift in the air between us.

"I can not believe what you have done to us," she hisses. Sometimes I can not believe it either but I dare not concur with her. I could outwit her easily but I am intelligent enough not to speak. I consider striking her but the perfection of her face stops me. She sees me falter and her eyes suppose victory. Perhaps she has won. How easily I feel defeated. How often I pursue her without her knowing. She evades me every time, only appearing when I would rather her not.

It is time for her to leave and we both know it. She recedes into a memory, from whence she came. She is not gone; she always returns. She lives another day to flaunt her ignorance. I continue to despise her, to pursue her, to hold her, to push her away, to submit to her, to overcome her.

Everything Must Go

Alright. Time to clean the closet. I'm over most of the stuff that is crowding my life. All of these all-give relationships are smothering me. They have to go. I will draw the line between what is actually a friendship and what is a drain. I need to re-file a bunch of stuff. I think I have quite a few relationships filed under friends, when they actually belong under the ministering-to tab. It's not so draining that way because there is that seperation that keeps me sane. Any other minister knows what I'm talking about here. Also, I am getting rid of some antiquated notions hanging in the closet, suffocating my new ideas. How I view myself, for example, needs some revamping. I can not be all things to all people. I will prioritize which people are most important, starting with my children and husband. The rest of it can be put away and some can be donated completely. Oh man, I'm feeling better already. Oooh, I forgot I had this: Value for my time. It looks good on me, don't you think? Perhaps I will have a yard sale. In the fifty-cent box goes worry and stress and situations I cannot affect. For a quarter you can have some relationships that I mistakingly purchased thinking they were friendships. Not interested? To the trash it goes.

Open?

I'm a little too quiet and I need to open up more. What does that mean, exactly? What does this mean, open up? About myself? Who cares? How does that change my abilities as a nurse? Surely this is not what it means. Why does this bother me? It shouldn't. It's just an evaluation, after all. It's one person's opinion of me. It just happens to be an important person in my career right now. So, will I take this to heart? Possibly? I just don't understand. This is bothering me. Why? Well ok; here is me opening up:

I'm not sure I love being a nurse. I hope that I will. I hate that after hours upon hours on my feet my lower back feels like its on fire. It is hard to concentrate on anything else but pain when it gets like that. Maybe this is why I don't open up, because I don't want to be viewed as a complainer. Because I am not a complainer. I'm frustrated that I do not know what to do all of the time. I'm not sure where everything is, I forget things I need before I go a patient's room and I keep forgetting to print those damned med slips! I need to start an IV. I need to learn more about all of these meds. I need to prioritize my time. It drives me crazy that I feel inferior to everyone around me. I'm so ready to feel comfortable as a nurse; to feel like I'm competent and know what I'm doing. I am trying my best. I will always try my best. So, I can not open up at all, you see. I don't want you to know that I feel this way. Frustration and feelings of inferiority are not appealing. So, there it is: I'm all opened up now. Hmmm, I have to say, I don't really feel any better.

I Have More Marks Than You, So There

I was thinking about something the other day. Why do some Christians give credit out? You know, like when someone is "saved," (if you don't know why I put it in quotations ask somebody who knows me), and someone else will say something like, 'oh, well that so-and-so, they really are good for that. They are going to get a big blessing.' Or, take someone who prays for someone who is sick and they get better; inevitably someone will credit the person who prayed. The thing is that some people receive a higher status in the church for this reason. Heck, I've heard people say that they should have so-and-so pray for them because they have more power. Seriously? Do we really believe that? Or, again, how about when a Christian singer or preacher dies and their music or preachings still are broadcast and someone is moved by them? I know that I've heard it said, "wow, look at that; they are already gone and they are still blessing people. They just got another reward in Heaven." I don't understand this logic. If people have some special powers then what do I need God for? Please, don't get me wrong. I don't serve God because he has special healing powers or anything. The only thing I need from God is his love and salvation, both of which are mine without the asking. Is it not one God who works through us all? Why credit people? Do we really think that God has a huge chalkboard with all of our names on it and he adds a tally next to our name when we do something that blesses someone? After five tallies we get a prize, what we call a blessing? Does this make sense to anyone else?

The Essence

Words. Feelings. Emotions. All jumbled together within me. I cannot express them. I am without. I am a conundrum. I want to write, to express myself, to open my soul and bleed it a little. I need an outlet. It's all wrapped up inside of me. A mix of feelings unspoken, perhaps not yet perceivable, even to me. I need to release, to exhale, to clear my mind. I need you, as well, in the way you need me. Something brought you here. You've read me before; now you're back. Intriguing, isn't it? All of us now are gathered here, where time and space seem irrelevant. Matters, doesn't matter, matters, non-matters, all jumbled together here. All found, all lost. Anger, expressed. Grief, found. Sorrow, expounded. Happiness, sought. Joy, obtained.

Peace.

Love.

Peace.

Love.

God, man, and the distance between them.

Peace.

Love.

Peace.

All of our feelings amount to this. This is the end of all humanity. This is the intention. Why we are without, why we suffer. It is all for peace, love.

Peace.

Love.

It all amounts to this. It all falls apart and is collected into this: Peace, love. Welcome to the love of God, the peace that surpasses all understanding. Emotions can not overcome it. The tides do not erode it. It is the beginning and the end. The matter of all things. Broken I am and peace speaks. Humble I become and love overflows. Welcome. Take it all in. Here I am laid bare. I fall into submission and the essence of all things overtakes me, overtakes you.

Peace.

Love.

Love.

Peace.

This too?

I am sooo hungry! Man, what I eat is not what I want to be watching! !! (Extra exclamation points just for good measure!) !! (One more time: !! I'm done now.) Anyways, I am t-h-i-r-t-y years old now. Wow, thirty, three-zero, 30, 3-0. So, I can no longer eat just whatever in the heck I want to, (like I ever really could. I just did, even to my own detriment.) So, I am mostly just hungry right now. I really want some gravy or melted cheese or pasta or any kind of carb or meaningful fat. It's like a battle between my mind and my appetite. I have to prevail. I really have no choice at this point in my life.

Ok, so here's the deal: I like to control my environment. Why is this one thing so hard? You know, I literally have to try not to control so many things, but this one thing I really want to control has ruled over me for years now. Hmmm, it's a conundrum.

Well, anyways, I am winning the battle for now and I will always do my best to continue. I will learn to deal with hungry and this, too, shall pass...(right, this will pass, won't it?!?)

Resistance is Futile

Well, I graduated. I'm all done now. I'm a nurse, (still sounds foreign coming out of my mouth.) No more attending class, no more driving to school, no more reading textbooks, no more late-night studying... I know what you're thinking: That's wonderful, I bet you're so glad. Funny thing; I'm not. I mean, I am for now; for today. I know, however, that within a very short period of time I will be just itching to get back to all of the aforementioned tasks. I suppose I am happy but never satisfied when it comes to these things. Perhaps I have a problem. I am addicted to learning. I refuse to let myself go through withdrawals. I refuse to sit idle and marinate in front of a television when I could be reading. I cannot accept that I have reached some sort of plateau in my education. I'm afraid that if I go too long without challenging my mind I will lose the ability to do so. So, yes, yay, hooray, congratulations and such. However, all of this is tempered with the reality that I will never be finished with my academic pursuits. (Perhaps academia is pursuing me; I shall not resist.)

Naomi, Again

So I learned a few things last night in an interesting way. I went to a prayer meeting with members of my church. So, we had to stand in a circle and hold hands, which is not my thing. Anyways, I was able to push through my discomfort and pay attention. Everyone is praying one by one in the circle and my pastor, who is standing one person away from me is praying out loud the whole time. So, I start listening to this man. (If you're asking, 'why weren't you praying'; good question. I was but it was mostly, 'God, please let this hurry up because my hand is feeling sweaty already.') My pastor is praying for people, and not just any people; he is praying for the very people that talk ugly about him and slander him behind his back. I started feeling pretty petty pretty quickly. I'm over here mad about old news that I just can't seem to let go, while this man is praying genuinely for people who will always attack him. My bitterness seemed to float away. Mara I am no longer. It's amazing what I learned at a prayer meeting by not praying.

Diversion

Ah, I should be studying. Pharmacology is very exciting but I think I've reached my current capacity. I will learn more; it's an ever changing world, but not tonight. I thought, "I think I'll post to my blog." Only problem is, I have nothing in particular to talk about. I mean, sure, I could talk about Phenytoin, which is metabolized hepatically or Bactrim, which causes photosensitivity. But who cares? (Well, I can think of about seventy people who might.)
I could talk about the fact that I am sooo ready to graduate. It's been really hard. Honestly, I went to nursing school on a whim. I thought, well, my prerequisites are about to expire soooo...it's now or never. Funny thing now; I'm about to be responsible for peoples' lives...
A family member of mine had surgery today and I am truly grateful that he is doing well now.
My daughter needs prayers. Her headaches are still a mystery. Someone told her today that if she believed in Jesus he would heal her. I'm not sure what I think of that. So, next time she has a headache does it mean she doesn't believe in Jesus?
I should be studying right now.

Happy Mother's Day

It's Mother's Day. Everyone is going around hugging women and saying happy mother's day. Nothing wrong with that. We do want mothers to be happy on this day. We celebrate everything mothers have done for us; giving us life, caring for us; loving us. If we are mothers ourselves we think about when we were pregnant, how the baby grew and we felt him move. We think about labor and the pain we went through; the delivery and that indescribable feeling of holding the child for the first time. We think about watching the baby grow and the first smile, the first words, first steps. I'll never forget the first time I heard 'mommy' and 'I love you.' It melts my heart. I thank God everyday for giving me the precious children that I have.
Here's the thing. There are plenty of women out there who will never have the chance to be a mother. They will never hear the words 'happy mothers day' directed towards them. They will never be pregnant, never feel the baby move, never revel at the sight of the little heart on the ultrasound screen. They will never have a battle tale to tell about labor and delivery; never know the feeling of holding the baby for the first time. They will not have the first smile, steps, words. The little 'mommy, I love you' will never grace their ears. I want to remember these women on this Mothers Day. I pray God brings you comfort as you endure all the well-wishing this holiday.

The City on a Hill

Sooo, I'm sure everyone in the world has an opinion about this Bin Laden killing. Well, maybe not everyone in the world. There are the sick, the impoverished and the dying who probably don't have time to be concerned about it. But who cares about them right? They're not important. (Hold that thought.) So, here is my thing about this. I'm an American, in that I am a citizen of this country. (I have a birth certificate and everything. Did not know there were long forms until recently.) Anyways, I think the word is being abused. American...what kind of images come to mind when you think of the word? The flag, the military, apple pie, egocentrism, consumerism... I digress. So we killed Osama Bin Laden. See how when I use the word 'we' there everyone assumes Americans? (It's what I meant, after all.) In reality, though, I had nothing to do with the killing of Bin Laden. Unless by paying taxes I fund the government that allowed for the CIA to hunt him down and provided the resources for the military to kill him. Well then, perhaps I am an accomplice. Ooooh, I used the word accomplice like killing Bin Laden was a murder. Fair warning: Here is the part of this post where I lose readers and anger people. You may want to navigate away from this page now! So, yes I think that to take the life of another human is murder; regardless of what that person has done. I think justice is to take care of the poor and widowed, the sick and dying. I think my loyalty should lie within another kingdom and if that makes me a bad American I don't care. (There are more of us out there than you think.) And no, I cannot in good conscience celebrate the murder of another human being. I refuse to place myself on the judgement seat and proclaim that justice has been done. I feel that is to blaspheme. Yes, I'm serious right now. If you want to call me unpatriotic or a bad American that is fine. Before you go judging me though, please stick with me for a few more lines:
You shall not murder, Exodus 20.13
Do not judge, so that you may not be judged, Matthew 7.1

שׁוּבָ

So, a friend of mine asked me after church today if "the situation" was getting any better, (referring to the situation I blogged about in my anger last.) Anyhow, I was like, "well, no but its ok." I've been thinking about it and yes, the situation has changed. The most important of all changes has come about. No, there wasn't some Red Sea parting separating them from my ladies in the jail. They are still going to the jail. So, in that sense all is the same. The change I am speaking about is in my heart. This may sound extremely ironic but I think it is very easy for people in ministry to stop relying on God. Let me expound: I feel that when things are going smoothly its easy to get into a rhythm. Its a lulling rhythm that will put any normal human to sleep. It can be so lulling it borders on fatal. In other words, I think this strife may have been the jolt my ministry needed to save its life. Funny that I'm saying this. I can hardly believe it myself. When this problem arose I realized that I am not sufficient. All of my knowledge and all of my experience and all of my education means diddly when it comes to these things. You see, I cannot control everything. Sometimes things just happen. Its a hard lesson to learn, but a saving one. So let me clarify and restate: Yes, there has been a drastic change. I am learning to trust God; completely. My heart is softened. I lift my voice and cry to Him once again. It is my returning.

Take my Life, Make it Yours

I have to choose to trust God. I have to let go. I have to stop protecting my heart. Do I trust Him to keep my heart or not? It's not like I'm doing a good job of it or anything. I am so influenced by external forces. I'm worshipping God and in a fantastic mood and one setback can change all of that. Then I'm left drowning in a sea of doubt. I know God is there. I know He loves me. I know I am saved. My doubt is life. I doubt that I am living my life for God. Eternity is much easier, you know. I don't have to do anything for that. But I refuse to wait until I die to dwell in His presence. I reach for Him, think of Him, pray to Him, sing of Him. Then it evaporates. Is my faith in the here and now so surface that any change in my environment causes it to float away as a vapor? What am I really doing? Is there something inherently wrong with me?

God whispers I am loved. He whispers it is he who loves me. Be still and know that I am God.

Take my every moment, Lord. I am just wasting them anyways. Make them useful to your purposes. Do not let my life overtake your life within me. I can not do this without you. Why would I want to? That's a good question. Why would I, having been set free go on being a slave? Why do I? Why do I let my life serve as a distraction? Help me focus. I am tired. I am overwhelmed and overcome, and not with the right things. Please, God, overwhelm me with your love, overcome me with your presence. I need you. I need you in my life. I need my life to be yours.

Blog Bipolar

Katy Perry has a song with the phrase, 'love bipolar' in it. I can't remember the song, but it was all about opposites. 'Black and white, hot and cold', so on and so forth. I even wrote a blog about it. You can go back and search, if you like. I'm not technologically savvy enough to link it for you. I can think of a few friends right now who will resist the urge to comment and explain to me how to do this. Oh, anyways, I think I might be 'blog bipolar'. Have you read my blog? Its crazy, in that every post is contradicting the previous, for the most part anyway. I'm mad as a hornet then I'm praying. I'm drastically sarcastic and then all serious. I admit this is probably confusing for some readers. (You like how I said that like there are thousands of readers who follow my blog? There are more like ten or so, maybe. I don't even really know. Hey, I know; let's feed my ego by everyone who reads this responding with something like, "I read your blog every day. You're the best!" (I'm just kidding.) Did I just put parenthesis within my parenthesis? Yes, yes I did.) So, I wanted to say that yes, my blog is a bit bipolar, but perhaps so am I. I mean, I have strong feelings about quite a few things and this is evident in my blog. Sometimes I have a hard time seeing things that are not in my metaphorical box; for example, other people's point of views. I try, really I do. Sometimes I feel like I know everything; shocking, I know. Other times I feel I know nothing, which is probably closer to reality. All of this is evident in my ramblings, I mean writings. So, thanks for sticking around. Thanks for going on this journey with me. Please, feel free to plunge into the sea of uncertainty and hypocrisy and love and frustration and desire to please and striving and failure and always attempting to be better and utter dependence on the love of God that is my existence. The water is just fine...

שְׁמַע

I am torn.

Dashed upon the rocks in a sea of change is my heart.

Empty and bleeding I call to you.

My refuge.

My Rock.

My strength.

Teach my heart to hear.

Teach my soul to listen.

Shema, I call out, shema.

My heart responds: How great Thou art.

Then sings my soul, how great Thou art.

Help me Lord.

To you I lift up my head.

Do not take your presence from me.

Create in me a clean heart.

Love me.

Heal me.

Love me.

Here am I, Lord, Here am I.

Changes

I've made a lot of changes in the past two years. Nursing school has changed my life. It has been truly challenging and I am so blessed to have had this experience. As I launch into a new chapter of my life, working as a nurse, I look back and ponder some of the changes that have come about:

1. Whenever I introduce myself to a new person I always look down to see if my badge is turned around so they can read my name; at church, at the grocery store...


2. When I sit across a table from someone I measure up their veins to determine where the best place for a stick would be.


3. I look for the alcohol dispensers on every wall; everywhere.


4. I open my tacos at Taco Bell using sterile technique.


5. I consider changing the sheets while my husband is still in the bed.

Also some serious stuff too but those things are cliche and boring.

About Yesterday

Whew; yesterday was rough for me. I was so angry. I feel better now. I'm all calm again. I live at calm, I think. I try not to let too much bother me. I'm not ever very angry. I try not to get my feelings hurt. All of that was out the door yesterday. One day out, I can think a lot more clearly. A lot more clearly; is that a proper phrase? Probably not. Who cares? This is my blog. I'll write it how I please. Sorry, back to my point. Did I have a point? Oh yes, I was going to clarify calmly why I was so angry. I was angry because I had asked for help in my jail ministry. I had two responses and I am going to train these two to do what I do. Hopefully they will stick around and be able to have my service when I am unable to; for example, on the Thursdays I will have to work. Anyways, I was very specific when I made my request in church. I said that I have over six years experience and I know what I'm doing. I am not looking for someone to do something different. I need someone who is humble enough to learn from my experiences. Ok, so after having said all of that there a couple women who heard something like, 'I am not going to go to the jail anymore and I need you to take it over.' I'm not sure if that's what they heard. I'm being kind. Anyways, they started going on Monday nights and it angers me because I have been here before. I do not feel the need to rehash all of this because I went through all of it yesterday. Anyways, it really is that simple and now I will calmly pray about it. Thank you for reading this blog. Thank you for your understanding. Please bear with me. I occasionally have a bad day.

Catharsis

I am so tired of underhanded selfishness. I am so tired of the people who are the ugliest to me coming from my own congregation. I'm sick and tired of lying and deceitfulness and sleaziness. Let me tell you a story: Once upon a time there was this jail minister. Let's call her Sally. She had been having a weekly service for about four years. One day these other women started having a jail service for the incarcerated women as well. There was this one young girl, about 22 years old, who was in jail. She was going to court to hear whether or not she would lose her children permanently. She asked these other women who were having a service on a different night from Sally to pray for this situation. These other women laid hands on her and "prophesied" that Jesus said that she would not lose her children. God would take care of it and he would give her her children because he loved her. This young woman was ecstatic to hear this good news. She shared this with Sally, who was a bit unnerved by the bold prophesy. At the end of the service Sally prayed for this young woman. While praying for the young woman, Sally felt she would not retain custody of her children. It was very difficult for Sally to tell this young woman that the former prayer by these other women may not be the truth. Well, the court day came and the young woman lost her children. She rejected God, feeling that he lied to her. Isn't that a sad story? Fortunately the women who "prophesied" over her are no longer doing jail ministry. Sally, on the other hand continues in her labors, remaining faithful to the truth. These other women committed this misstep in their ignorance. I can't sugar coat that. It was ignorance. The point of my story is that I have dealt with people who are in ministry for selfish reasons before. I fear history will repeat itself. Am I jealous? You better believe it! I am a jealous minister! I have been doing this for six years and I know what I am doing. I know what works, I know what doesn't. Please do not go behind my back and try to take something from me. Do not hurt my women! I care so much for them and truly love them. This is not about me; do not make this about you. Oh, and one last thing I'd like to say: Easy come, easy go. That is all, for now...

Hate is ok in Context??

I don't understand. Why does something like a child's basketball game have to be so serious? Apparently with my forty dollar payment, not only does my daughter get to play ten or so basketball games, we also get nastiness, bitterness, hatefulness and flat-out ugliness from some of the coaches. It simply is disgusting. Why ruin something that should be fun for these children? What are we really teaching them? Hey, with the right manipulation and vindictiveness you can have your way. When you lose at something don't learn from it how to be better. Don't even accept losing at all. Fight back with gossip and rumors and accusations and ugliness. I mean, what kind of coach allows, at least, and perhaps encourages her players to curse at the opposing team, throw tantrums when losing and distract the opposite team when shooting a free throw by shrieking or clapping? This is such bad sportsmanship. I really am amazed at the audacity of this particular coach from last night, as well as many of the parents, (not only from last night's game.) Seriously, this is your child. Her performance on the basketball court should not shape your view of her. Why do you have to go up there during halftime and chew your child out in front of everyone, wagging your finger in her face? Sheesh, people. Relax, this is just a game! And, more importantly, these are our children! Can we please stop all this ugliness? Can we, as adults, please set a good example for our children? Remove hate from this game. These children are innocent victims and this is abuse. I'm serious. They trust you as their coach to teach them the right way and you are telling them to push and curse and distract and be sore losers. You are teaching them hate! Can you not see that? You should be ashamed of yourselves! That is all; for now, anyways...

בְּרֵאשִׁית, בָּרָא אֱלֹהִים

Free me. Let me be. Who I am. Who I am not. Who I will be.
Save me. I am. I love. I wish. I fail.
Hold me. Let me cry. Let me mourn. Let me be.
Be me. Who I am. Who I am not. Who I will be.
Complete me. Who I was created to be. Who I want to be. What shall be.
Breathe me. Like you did in the beginning. Like you are in the beginning. Who you are.
You are I am. You are that which shall be.

We Believe That We Shall Also Live With Him

I'm sorry, what were you saying? I cannot hear you because I am analyzing your theology.
Will it always be this way? I am forever ruined to the beauty I used to find in a sermon? Yes, yes, yes, salvation. Right. Well that is a very good exposition on the doctrine of justification. But, where is the participation? I can't hear anything else you say now because I am completely caught on this half definition of salvation. Is "church" completely ruined for me now? Could you imagine if I attended Sunday school? That would certainly be interesting...
I can't listen to Christian music the way i used to either. I can't do the 'oh wait til heaven' stuff. Earth is terrible and this life is horrid but in heaven everything will be great. Alright, but isn't that kind of missing the entire point of serving Christ? Which part of life abundant means death? I don't understand. Well I do but I'm being facetious. I just feel like participation, concerning salvation is mostly overlooked in Christian music. Contemporary Christian music, anyways.
So, would everyone who wishes to talk about God please include all of salvation in their discussion before talking to, singing to, preaching to me? I'm kidding but it would be nice.

The Perfection of Nothing

A blank page with a blinking cursor; such a sign of hope. This page can be anything. This page could be nothing. Something of great significance or merely a passing moment between reader and writer. I could fill it with anything, a journey, a moment, a struggle. I could convey my life or perhaps some other life; who knows. Do I even know? I could be honest or intentionally deceitful, all is fair in writing. Do I even know the difference? Do you?
There is much hope in a blank page. There is great beauty in an uncommitted space. It can still be anything. The possibilities are limitless. It is still like a child, full of hope and untainted by the cruelty of the world. It is still free. An unspoken thought or idea holds much potential. It can change the world. It is still full of hope, uncriticized, unmocked. It has no bounds, no limits. It is not confined within our frameworks, with our words.
Perhaps the words that will fill this page will change me. I am changing now, writing these words, filling this page. Manifesting that which was not. I am a creator. I am the lord of this space, these thoughts, this potential. You are changing, too. Can you feel it? Do you feel the potential? You can create, as well. Create your own world within these words. Your potential is unhindered. What is it to you? Who are you to it? These things are one in the same. You have joined me on this journey. You are with me in this moment. Are you struggling with me, as well?
Here we are in this moment, creating a world within words. The power of the potential is intoxicating. Emotions run free. The idea is alive, still unspoken, still unwritten. We carry it together. It is created between us. I relish this moment, unhindered, unchained. It is still nothing, anything, everything. I begin the moment where I end it, in the beginning. I struggle, I write, I am.

End of Twenties Crisis?

Am I having some sort of crisis? I can't decide what I want out of life. I want to be a nurse and I have this plan to earn a masters in nursing. Is that really what I want? Why can't I just work at a doctor's office? What's wrong with that? Nothing, really. Is that what I want? What do I want? I know what I want: I want a masters in Biblical interpretation. Can I have that? Does that fit into my life? Is it even important what I want anymore? Is there a point in life when you're too old to be concerned with what you want? Was it ever important at all? Do I sound extremely selfish right now with all this "I" talk?
I think it matters because I'm making future plans right now. Should I apply for the graduate nursing program. My reasons for wanting to do so are sound. I feel I would have more and greater advancement opportunity in my future profession. That's a really good reason isn't it? However, is it the right decision for me? Not too long ago I was sure it was.
My daughter is eleven. She will be in college in seven years. This should be my focus right now. What exactly that means, I'm not sure. Would it be better for her if I earned a masters in nursing?
I'm nearly thirty years old. Perhaps my time for learning has passed. I don't really mean that. I just mean that perhaps my days as a student are over. Am I holding on to hopes of graduate education for the right reasons? Should I let go? I just don't know.
What is going on in my head right now? I don't even know who I am at this point in my life. I need some clarity...

People Helped

I'd be willing to bet that not too many people in Minnesota or Wisconsin drive Mustangs. You want to know why I think that?
This morning I dropped off my daughter at school and made it not half a block and found my car snowbound. This experience was, initially, really scary. My fear was quickly replaced by embarrassment. 'Hey look at me. The idiot with the snow-banked Mustang.' Seriously though, Mustangs are not designed for snow driving. Oh, I learned something new today: It is near impossible to 'rock' a standard out of snow. I did not know that. So, I'm sitting there in my car wondering how I'm going to fix this, wondering how I'm going to make it to school on time and this really interesting thing started happening.
People helped me. And not just a few. People, none of whom I knew, helped me. There was a lady and her teen-aged daughter who helped another man try to push my car back. There was the man who tried to talk me through rocking my car out of the snow. Then there was the volunteer fireman and his passenger who pulled up behind me, put his fireman lights on, hooked my car up to some cables and pulled my car out with his truck. Amazing.
The goodness of humanity never ceases to amaze me. It was cold, -2 degrees with a windchill in the -20's. It was snowing. Nevertheless, people helped. Thank you God for creating such goodness when you created man.

There Must be a Method

I grew up with systematic theology. Really, I'm a baptist. At least I was a baptist. I am, was, I'm not sure. Anyways the Southern Baptist Convention is systematic about everything, practice and theology. I suppose theology is what brings about practice. I'm just not sure I buy it. Here's the thing: I think that each Biblical book could stand alone, perhaps. I know that was not a very clear statement. Perhaps its not a very clear thought. And, perhaps there are some exceptions. Perhaps the Pentateuch is an exception. And then there are the authors who were clearly dependent on each other's writings. And perhaps that is all of them. Have I walked myself in a complete circle? Ok, so maybe I don't think each book stands alone. No, I don't think that. However I am aware that there are redactional layers and varying voices even in individual books. I think what I'm trying to figure is, how can we say that what Luke says is dependent on what John says? I would say Luke is independent of John. John wrote later than Luke. It seems irrational that we should consider what John says when reading Luke. Additionally, how can we read the Torah, Tanakh, Old Testament through the lens of the New Testament? It seems silly to me. I'm not certain that the Trinity is in the Torah. (I'm not even convinced its in the New Testament. I'm actually pretty sure its not.)

Are you still with me? So, I believe that the Bible is inspired. I don't think that means that God was whispering in John's ear that everything he writes must be congruent with what was already written by Luke, (to use my earlier example.) The systematic reading of the Bible I was brought up with says that we must harmonize all of the inconsistencies within the Bible. I think maybe we were afraid that admitting there are things that don't jive with each other is equivalent to saying that the Bible has mistakes. It's a lot like throwing out the baby with the bath water. None of it could be "wrong" or all of it might be. Did I really believe this at one time?Isn't it extremely dependent on what one thinks "wrong" is? I think maybe apologetics might have something to do with this reading. I know I was taught to defend God and prove God, (like He needs my help with that).

Also, I think we Baptists really like concordances. I have an exhaustive one on my bookshelf. You could literally follow along with many of the Baptist preachers I've heard if you have one. To the outsider it may appear that he is bouncing along aimlessly through the Bible, but a fellow concordance owner knows what's up.

So, let me try to focus some. Let me use the idea of the Trinity, the personage of God. Alright, so systematic theology consists of lists so let me make one, (this list is Strong's):

1. The Father is God

2. The Son is God

3. The Spirit is God

4. There is but one God

Alright. I believe all four statements but what I'm not sure about is how all three of these are strung together. Biblicaly, its a hard case. A thousand people could make or break it a thousand ways. Rambling, rambling, rambling...
Ok, so here is my final thinking on this endless subject. (You see what I did there?)
1. It starts with faith
2. It includes Biblical study
3. It ends with faith
Look, its a list. How systematic of me...

Mothers

Thank God for mothers. I called my mom last night and I was very upset. My three year old is bringing the sequel to the 'terrible twos' with the 'extremely terrible threes.' Poor baby. Its not his fault, really. He just doesn't understand why mommy doesn't have a lot of time for him. He wants my attention so he gets it, whatever it takes. It breaks my heart. I hate disciplining him. I feel like I'm the one who needs punishing. Pay attention to your child! What kind of mother are you? This is how I feel. Anyways, I called my mom.
"It will be ok, you are doing this for his good. He just doesn't understand." I know school is important but so are my kids. I know this is for my kids future. I want them to go to college. I want more opportunity for them. Try explaining all this to a three year old. So I was trying so hard to study yesterday to no avail. He and his sister are not getting along. He's turning the t.v. on and off. My sanity is slowly slipping. I am so overwhelmed. I call my mom.
"I'm going to fail my test on Monday. This is impossible." I am defeated.
"It's going to be ok, I will come and help you this weekend." I feel better. My hope lifts. I am more patient with my children. I study after he falls asleep. Maybe it will be ok. I can do this; hope is rising.
Thank God for mothers.

Neuro Lecture

Did you know that our brains shrink when we age? I mean, literally, in the sixth or seventh generation of life our brain mass reduces. There is empty space between the skull and the brain. I would really like this not to happen to me. I rather like my brain. I think I'm afraid of brain shrinkage. I wonder if there is a phobia associated with this? Neuropicaphobia? Hmmm... What will I loose? I store a lot of things in there that I'd like to keep. I think I could do without some things, maybe. I took a class at Tech, something like South American geology...perhaps I don't need that. Perhaps I've already lost that. Oh no, is it happening already? Let's see, Dominican Republic...ummm...bananas....oh no, it is happening. I wonder if I could start organizing the files in my mind so that I could toss certain things in the recycle bin, near the top of my brain, while keeping other really important things, like pharmacology and Classical Hebrew, deeper in my brain? Can anyone troubleshoot that for me?

401

Wow, just, wow. This semester is tough. There is so much information in such a short amount of time. (Well the lecture today was particularly long, but you get the general idea.) Oh, dear brain, please allow yourself to fit in these math formulas. Also that formula from the lab interpretation lecture, whatever that was for. I know you hate numbers and all, but I really am depending on your cooperation right now; thanks. Also, I am feeling like I am way behind because I don't work in the hospital. Am I the only one? Resume day will be fun. At least I have everything prepared. I have gathered all my work experience...
Well, I would love to chat about this further but I only have about seven more hours left of today and I'm behind.

Ramblings

Blank page, blank page, blank page. I want to write a post but I don't know what to write about. I have so many things on my mind right now.
I start school Monday. Let me say, I really don't want to. I am feeling so inadequate and unprepared. Everything I have learned thus far feels like water just running out of the cracks in my mind. Have I retained anything? This overwhelming sense of doom is coming over me. Do or die; here we go.
I had a fantastic night at the jail Thursday! God really moved in a more tangible and evident way than I have witnessed in many years. I am so thankful I was a part of it. Who am I, really that God would use me? God never ceases to amaze me.
My kids both have birthdays this month. My baby will be three! It doesn't seem possible. My daughter will be eleven! Man, time is just flying.
I purchased a new phone. It's a 4G Evo. It is entirely too smart. I am not that intelligent, in comparison. I feel I will never unlock or even know about the full potential of this amazing device. You know what else? It also makes phone calls! Amazing.
Oh man, my brain is so scattered. I better get it together before Monday.