Either You Will Love the One and Hate the Other

Alright, so who has seen this new show, Preachers of LA?  Anyone?  Well, I would love for everyone to watch one episode.  I have seen all the episodes so far and, I must say, there is little differentiation between them.  So, basically, the premise is this: all these (famous?) preachers in Los Angeles are on a reality show that follows their personal lives and their interaction with each other.  Now, I have never heard of any of the preachers and its not quite relevant to know their names, anyways.  As an aside, the show airs on the Oxygen network.  Outside of this show, I have never seen any of the other shows on this network.  A brief look at their website reveals they have other shows, such as Bad Girls, My Big Fat Revenge and Best Ink.  I haven't the slightest what any of those shows are about, but it looks like quality viewing to me...  Anyways, this show is ridiculous.  I know, I know, I just recommended you watch it; let me tell you why.  The producers of this show must have worked on Cribs.  Who remembers that show?  All these famous artists and athletes taking MTV into their homes to show off all of their extravagance...  Remember how it would show them getting out of their Bentley or BMW all in slow motion with background music and the little 'bling' flash and sound?  Well, you get the same shots in this show about these preachers, with the same vehicles and everything.  It makes for good TV.  These producers are as cynical about the 'megachurch' in America as I am. 

As it turns out, the gospel business is quite lucrative.  This is not a secret to most Christians but I would at least consider it dirty laundry.  I mean, we all remember that Jesus would travel around in a golden carriage and go to all the happening religious places to preach the Word before returning to his comfortable palace with all of his entourage.  Wait?  That didn't happen?  Oh, well, doesn't the Bible say some where, "Brethren, I wish above all that you prosper and be of good health?"  Doesn't that justify everything?  Nobody mention anything about that being a standard Roman greeting.

This show brings into focus the hypocrisy that most Christians in this country live their lives with, myself included. The real gospel is giving all that you have to those that have not and following Christ.  The real gospel is a rough wooden cross.  It is not comfortable for anyone.  It is not comfortable for me.  The tension is ever present.  It is easy for me to be appalled at these million dollar business parading around in the sheep's clothing of the 'church.'  However, my disgust must be self reflective. Hmm, the tension continues...

I'm Back

Sooo, I haven't blogged in a good long while.  I miss it.  I was reading some of my old posts the other day and it made me miss writing. Writing, in general.  I used to have such passion for writing.  I have written very intelligent things.  Not necessarily here, in this blog, but in other places I have penned brilliant things.  I'm not sure what has happened.  Please forgive me for the hodge podge rambling this post is turning out to be.  Hmmm, hodge podge is not a phrase spell check recognizes.  Spell check must not be from west Texas.  Is hodge podge actually a phrase or am I making stuff up?  It is really late right now and I worked all day so I'm just leaving it there.  I typed it three times and it is underlined with a red squiggly line each time.  As it turns out, squiggly is a word. Go figure.  Anyways, the point of this post is to re-initiate myself to sitting down in front of the computer  and typing my thoughts; they're just not very deep at this moment.  So, I'm back.  That's about all I have to say tonight.

Hope

I miss you so much.  You would know just what to say right now.  I wish I could hug you.  I can smell your sweater; your yellow sweater.  Smells like home, smells like comfort, love, safety, love.  Can I have that for just one second, God?  Could you grant me a moment with my grandpa?  I really need the security.  The familiarity.  I feel like a child again.  A scared little girl.  Am I the little girl in the closet again, begging God to see me?  God, do you see me?  I know you care, you have to.  You've proved it before.  I need you now.  Forgive me for everything.  Save me now.  Help me now.  Can you make everything better?  Could you please?  I'm so sorry.  I'm sorry.  I don't know what else to say.  The funny thing is, you warned me.  You warned me.  Why wasn't I paying attention?  Before I would have asked you.  I would have known.  You would have told me.  So stupid; I can't believe I'm so stupid.  Everything is unraveling.  Why can't I stop it?  I wish it so bad; I feel it in my bones.  My very core is trembling.  Leveled; completely leveled is my foundation.  Everything.  Everything.  Who am I?  I am scared.  I need a miracle now.  I need a miracle like before.  I know you were there.  I saw you.  I saw you that night.  You loved me then.  Do you still love me now?  I saw you.  In the back yard.  I remember.  All my grandparents were there.  I was scared then and I did not understand.  I'm so much more scared now that my eyes are wide open.  Can you perform a miracle?  You did before.  Before the pain.  Before the heart ache.  He believed.  He trusted you.  He loved you.  He still does.  He still does.  Do you love him still?  Can you tell him?  He needs to hear it.  He needs to feel it.  Can you tell him he's strong?  Can you remind him of who he is?  Can you tell him I need him?  Can you tell him I'm still his little girl?  I love him so.  I need him.  Can you be God to us?  Little, insignificant us?  You're our only hope.  I read once it does not disappoint.  That will have to be my new foundation.  Hope.  Let me be strong for him.  Pick me up so I can hold him.  God, please.  I'm begging you again.  Forget all that I know.  Please, God.  Please.  Help us.  Be to us what you were before. 

Is That Me?

I believe I may be having an identity crisis.  I mean, I'm not sure I know who I am at this point in my life.  The irony in this situation is I worked very hard to have this crisis.  I see who I want to be.  That is very clear.  Where is my disconnect?  Should I even write about this?  Does anybody else know how this feels?  Maybe putting these thoughts out there into the faceless world of the Internet will help me sort things out.  Even thinking about the words to express my feelings here brings a great deal of clarity.  (Please accept my apology for my vagueness.)  Yes, things have suddenly become quite clear.  (Thank you Internet.  Internet does not reply, as it is faceless...)  I want to be a professional at work and kind and caring towards everyone in my life.  I need to remember some of my authentic leadership lessons from university. (Dr. Joiner's classes come to mind.)  My problem has arisen from my desire to be friends with my coworkers.  Problem is I'm the charge nurse so, although we are coworkers, we are not on equal planes.  (Not really...)  So, I have decided to be professional and that's it.  That does not exclude kind and caring.  This will help me avoid being emotionally invested in what others think of me at work.  Not to shirk blame completely, of course.  I am by no means perfect.  (Gasp...not really...)  I mean, I love my job, but work is work.  I go to take care of my patients and then I go home.  That is simple, right?  It has not proven so but starting now it is.  Theory will become practice.  Perhaps I will get back with you and let you know how it goes Internet.  (Internet says nothing.)  Alright, this has been cathartic; one layer of dust off the proverbial mirror.