Strength

I hate cancer. You know, I really really hate it! Even the look of the word is harsh. It took my grandpa and now it is after one of my best friends. Well, cancer you can't have her. She is lovely and wonderful and genuine and intelligent and you can't have her! I don't know if speaking to cancer like that makes any difference, as if cancer were something to be spoken to. Its a cellular mutation, at its most basic level.
So, let me try a different angle: God, my friend has cancer and I hate that. I know you hate that, too. I know all of this theology and have all this knowledge but it seems a small raft floating in an infinite ocean. It is quite irrelevant whether or not I can theologically explain healing and the Holy Spirit or what healing looks like or, oftentimes, does not look like. All I really understand is my own heart right now. My heart is telling me that this is unfair and I am angry. I want my friend to not have cancer. I want her to not suffer. I want her to not fear. God, I just want you to fix it! Can you do that? Will you do that? Will you remove the cancer from her body? Will you renew her strength?
I bring up a good point. "They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint."
Isaiah 40; full of promises of God for a broken people. Promises fulfilled. His strenght is through Christ and the promise fulfilled of the Holy Spirit. This he has already given, to me and my friend.
She has already been healed. I believe that. All of God's promises are fulfilled. Time and distance are our concepts, not His. He has already answered us before we ask. How this looks in our reality, I do not know. My mind can not comprehend all of this.
God says, "Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable."
I say, please heal my friend.
I am mindful of the God I serve and I will say: "This is the day the Lord has made; I will rejoice and be glad in it."

Higher Education

I am a gleek. Yes, it's true. I watched the two episodes I missed due to excessive studying. In one of the episodes Sue Sylvester's mother comes to visit her for her wedding, (to herself.) Anyways, her mother had been away from Sue and her handicapped sister for most of their lives, it seems. She, evidently, was a Nazi hunter. Sue's mother was avoiding her true responsibilities in order to go on a quest for a, what she deemed, noble cause. I know it just seems like another quirky storyline from the producers of the show but I feel there is deeper meaning here. How many times have I forsaken the important things in my life for a "higher" more "noble" cause? How many times have I, in the name of my education, neglected precious time with my children. How many "laters" and "not todays" have I spoken? I keep telling myself it will be worth it, but when is that time coming? When I'm working full time? Do I really believe I will have more time then? Am I sacrificing my true responsibilities for what I deem to be more noble, the quest for a career? My daughter is nearly eleven. Her childhood is just flying by. I have been a college student for over two-thirds of her life! My son is nearly three and, before I know it, he will be starting school. It grieves me to think how much I have missed. I understand all the benefits of education but I cannot escape the feeling of being torn.
I like to end all my blog posts with some sort of resolution but I am afraid I cannot do that this time. This tension in my life will remain.

A Break in the Clouds

Where did Christmas go wrong? I mean, why do we feel like we have to buy to have Christmas? I find it interesting that we start the Christmas season by stampeding into Walmarts and Targets to spend our money as fast as we can. It's everything that's wrong with our society. I was looking at pictures from yesterday online and there are all these incidences of people trampling each other to get into the stores. Self-centeredness at its finest. All in the name of saving money. Here's an idea: stay home, you'll save a great deal more money. People were running through the stores packed with all they could carry. What evil genius devised this plan? Let's have people spend all of their money on our merchandise, all the while feeling like they are compelled to. Hurry, hurry, spend, spend, more, more... Why do we fall for it? Fools, the whole lot of us. Folly at its finest. It is times like this that I agree with the liberal faction fighting to remove the term Christmas from the holiday season. I wonder if Jesus agrees? Afterall, we have practically replaced Christ with consumerism. What evil genius devised this plan? Let's have them believe they are worshiping Christ, all the while praising mammon. (Don't answer that last question; it was rhetorical.) Instead of holiday or Christmas, how about creditmas or debtmas, (they're basically the same thing, right?) Where have we gone wrong and, more importantly, how do we find our way back? God I pray that I am not fooled into thinking that if I buy merchandise branded with 'Jesus is the reason for the season' I am actually exemplifying that principle. I long to walk backwards, one step at a time, until I am out of the storm and can once again see the star shining brightly in the East, leading me to worship Him.

Death by Numbers

1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8; my favorite count. Deep breath; 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8. Relax.
Ok, so here's the deal: I have been trying so hard to lose weight. I'm counting my calories. 3500 calories in one pound. 1377 calories on Wednesday. 1033 calories today. 0 pounds lost this week. 1 breakdown in frustration. 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8; breathe. 2 pep talks from my husband. 3 inches lost this week. 1 sigh of relief. 70 calories in a slice of bread. 2 sandwiches with 1 piece of bread, folded over. 45 pounds I want to lose. 1 week counting calories and 45 pounds to go. 8 ounces of soda I've had this week. 60 minutes of cardio workout I need to do, 7 days a week. 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8. I miss the days when I was 15 and ran 7 miles a day and could eat 4 cheeseburgers a day and gain 0 pounds. (Like dust in the wind, that time.) 0 cheeseburgers I've had this week. 1 Subway turkey sub: 420 calories in that. 45 pounds to go; 45 pounds. 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8, 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8.

Yo This is Creepy

So, my son loves Yo Gabba Gabba. If you haven't seen this show, you probably should because it's one of the most popular shows for preschoolers, who will be in charge of this world in twenty to thirty years. I used to think that the show was just silly but I feel I now must reclassify it as creepy.
First of all, what is the premise of this show, exactly? There is this guy who wears an orange leotard and a fuzzy hat who carrys around this box disguised as a boom box containg all these dolls that come to life when sprinkled with magical glitter. What happens when his friends ask him to play some music on that thing? 'Ummm, well...I better go; it's getting late...'
There is this one episode that has been around awhile where Broby, the little green one, is having a party in his tummy. Carrots and green beans are all upset that they were not invited to the party in Broby's tummy. They are crying and begging to be digested. Creepy.
There is a newer episode now where Broby is having a birthday. All the other dolls-come-to-life are planning a surprise party for him. Some random chef comes on the show and bakes this life size cake of Broby. As it turns out, not only is the cake life-size, it also comes to life and starts dancing around. It's already creepy, right? Well after the cake wishes Broby a happy birthday it says, "you wanna piece of me?" Does the cake want to fight? Is the cake, like the kamikaze green beans, wanting to be eaten? Does it matter?
Were the shows I watched this creepy? I think I should go back and watch and post further about this. What do you remember? Any creepy shows? Let me know here or on facebook. I wonder if there have been any studies on the amount of creepiness in children's television and future implications...

Is This a Good Time?

You know, I've noticed something. It's an interesting phenomenon in Christianity that has slipped my attention until recently. We have this idea that he who prays earliest prays best. You know what I mean; if I get up at six and pray for an hour that's way better than praying an hour in the middle of the day. That's funny, isn't it? It makes sense to honor the early prayer just like we honor the early riser, I suppose. It certainly is a value in our culture. You've all heard the sayings: The early bird gets the worm and early to bed, early to rise makes a man...something good I think. We naturally carry our cultural values into the religious realm but this is amusing to me. Do we really think that God pays better attention in the morning? Is there a better time than others to catch Him to ask something? Just when is the God who created time and space, and naturally exists with or without it, more apt to hear my prayer? Is this like when you're a little child and you wait until your dad is comfortable on the sofa after work to ask about that new toy you want? Is his presence like the car dealership, where the first fifty customers get a free prize? Hurry, offer ends soon...
Perhaps we think that getting up early to pray is a better sacrifice because we also value sleep. (When I'm up before five tomorrow morning I should rehash the value of sleep; only I'll be to sleepy to think clearly about anything.) So, perhaps we feel that the value of the early prayer is in the sacrifice of something valuable. (Reciprocity=yuck.) Well, I also value cleaning so if I give up an hour of that for prayer perhaps God will honor my sacrifice...
And why do we feel like God should be honoring our sacrifices, anyways. I'm not saying He doesn't, but who am I to expect it? I mean, I am certain my time would be better spent honoring His sacrifice. Perhaps I should pray about this; I just hope I catch God at a convenient time.

Three Syllables; Sounds Like...

So, about a week ago I had to take my daughter to the emergency room of (name withheld) hospital for treatment of her asthma. She is doing great now, thank God. Anyways, when we were leaving the nurse aide read the discharge instructions to me. I'm reading along with her as she is reading out loud to me. There was an instruction to 'avoid exertion' for at least five days. Now, here is what she said: "She needs to make sure she avoids extortion for at least five days." Now, I was very tired at this point in the evening so I laughed a little when she said this. She looked up at me with a puzzled look on her face and I offered no explanation. In my mind, though, I'm thinking, 'Extortion?' I'm not sure we can manage. I mean, she has this hedge fund she is working on...
Seriously, shouldn't you be able to read if you are giving discharge teaching to a parent? More over, isn't it the nurse's job to do the teaching? What if I had had questions? For example, what if I had not known what the word extortion meant? Who would explain to me that my daughter was now prohibited from illegally exacting money from her hedge fund? What if she had gone ahead and done it? She could have been hospitalized for an exacerbation of her asthma. Imagine all of the teaching that would be necessary at that point...

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Ah, Fall; my favorite time of year! I'm thinking about why I love it so much and it has occurred to me that perhaps it is because we have so many similarities. Let me mention a few to illustrate my point:
Fall weather is just right. It's not too sunny but not too cold. That's like me, on a good day. Well, I've never actually been accused of being sunny, now that I think about it...
Here, in West Texas, the weather is so unpredictable in the Autumn. Ok, well I'm fairly predictable but I like to imagine I'm not. I think my husband might argue that my moods are fairly unpredictable, but it might lead to an actual argument, so he might not.
The plants start pruning themselves in Fall. I'm all about this process. I feel so good when I clear things out. I don't keep things I don't use; I could make a trip a week to the local charity with donations. I hate clutter, which I think is anything that serves no foreseeable purpose. I also have no qualms about cleaning out my facebook friends list. (In fact, right now I have 102 friends, which is two over my limit. Sorry, two people will have to go.) I have only a few true friends because I like my distance. I'm really good at 'pruning' out potential relationships with strategic statements like, "well, I'll pray for you" and "you need to find someone you can trust to talk to." So, when I see leaves falling off the tree, I say to the tree, 'I totally understand.'
Well, one out of three, but Fall is still my favorite.

Thank God it's Monday

Wow, I had a very eventful weekend. Friday I was sure I would study all day but I had been equally sure Wednesday night I would complete my care map for OB. Then Thursday I was certain I would start my care map. So Friday I did start my care map and finish almost all. So I formulated a new plan: Study late into the night, (early into the morning), Friday, finish my care map Saturday and study the remainder of the day and study all day Sunday. So Friday night came along and my daughter had an asthma attack so severe that I took her to the ER. She is doing better now, not great, but better. So I took the book I was reading with me to the hospital. Let me tell you, the irony of studying asthma in children while waiting for my daughter to return from X-ray is not missed on me. Sooo, no studying of any significance Friday night. Saturday came along and my daughter, being exhausted from the events Friday, slept all day Saturday. I'm glad she rested but that left me hard-pressed to get any studying done. I did play trains and read books about counting and colors, though. So, new plan: commence freaking out. I have done no studying and the care map is still not done! So, Sunday I skipped church to sleep in so I could stay up late to study. This morning at 1:30 was as good as it was going to get.
Well, anytime I have a challenge I like to learn from it. So let me consider any lessons learned...
1. Asthma is awful, really.
2. It is scary to see your child sick, really scary.
3. Eosinophils are the marker for both an asthma and allergy attack.
4. I can cram an extraordinary amount of information into my brain in a short amount of time, (the staying power of this information to be evaluated at a later date...)
5. A care map looks fantastic with the use of a ruler.
6. Seeing my daughter rest peacefully and playing trains with my son is so worth it all.

Post removed due to excessive sarcasm.

Do you Yahoo (News)?

I think Yahoo feels its users are shallow. Did you know that there was a major environmental disaster in Hungary yesterday? There was a major spill at an aluminum plant flooding over 600,000 cubic meters. This sludge is full of heavy metals and is quite toxic. People are dead and some are missing. There are several uninhabitable villages. Animals are dying and the spill is threatening tributaries of the Danube. This is a major disaster and the results will be felt for years, possibly forever. Did you know this? Have you heard?
Well, not if your only source of news is Yahoo News on the homepage. However you may have heard that there is a surprising twist on Dancing With The Stars. Oh no, is Emmit Smith getting kicked off? Keira Knightly has a new haircut. I know this is pressing news because I was very stressed out about her long do. Evidently the Obamas are not walking their dog properly. This is good to know because, with all of the things the president is doing, I know I am most concerned with his dog-walking skills, or lack there of. And thanks, Yahoo, for keeping me up to date on the new housewives of The Real Housewives. I sure was stressed about who would flaunt her frivolousness on t.v. next. And, by far the most important news story on Yahoo front page: Celebrities Caught in Recycled Looks! Man, who do those celebrities think they are wearing the same outfit more than once?! Don't they know they should immediately burn their garments after wearing them out of their house? Man, Yahoo, what would I do without you letting me know about this horrendous crime against fashion? Thank you for keeping me informed. Who cares about those people in Hungary anyways? After all, I bet they wear the same outfits over and over again.

One is Silver and the Other Gold

I have heard that a good friend is like a fine wine. I haven't a clue about wine and what makes one fine. (I am smart enough to figure out, from the saying that wine gets better with time.) So, sure, some friendships get better with time and some just die. In fact, I know that if wine has been opened it needs to be thrown out after a while. It gets pretty gross, actually; I learned that the hard way. Some friendships are like this, too. If it turns out it's shallow I'm throwing it out. Maybe this is why I only have a handful of true friends, (in addition to my brother and sister, both of whom I am glad to call friend.) These are people who truly know me and, amazingly, still want to be friends with me. I am so grateful for my true friends. I am grateful for the people that get better with and withstand the test of time.
I am grateful for the friend that I can call and know that her word is good. She is dependable. She keeps me grounded with her honest opinion. She's not afraid to disagree with me because she knows I value what she says. She knows what I'm thinking when I'm not speaking. (It's been fourteen years and I am proud to call you 'best friend'.)
I am grateful for a friend who knows that there is no distance severing friendship, neither time nor space. She gets me, truly. She can convey more meaning and presence in a short text message than most could with a long visit. She radiates warmth, because when she says 'I love you' she means it. (Myrtle loves you, too.)
I am grateful for my newest friend, who I feel like I've known all my life. She is so accepting and in her smile is the love of God. When I'm around her I am ministered to and she doesn't even realize how profoundly God speaks through her. I hope we can remain friends for a lifetime.
I am grateful for the sweet girl in Honduras and my dear friend in New Mexico, as well. I love you both so much and that is enough to keep us together.
Truly I am blessed.

One, Two, Three...

Have you seen the commercial on A&E for the show Obsessed? It is a woman counting and they make it seem so creepy. Why make it so? It's not creepy at all; in fact it's rather mundane. Let me clarify:
1-2-3 swipes of mascara on each of the three sections of my lashes, taps of my makeup brush, swipes of blush on my cheeks, spreads of mustard or mayo on a sandwich.
1-2-3-4 steps when I'm jogging and sometimes when I'm walking, presses of the 'end' button on my phone.
1-2-3-4-5 times round the outside of the glass with the rag, swirls of my brush in my face powder, dips of the brush into the mascara.
1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8 scrubs of the carpet with the brush and cleaner, scrubs of the clothes with the stain remover, scrubs of my teeth with the toothbrush, all eighteen sections, swishes of the water in the sink before I wash dishes, just for the heck of it, (eight seems to be my favorite count)
1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10 times round the inside of the glass, taps of the milk jug on the counter, rinses of the cap of the fabric softener, stirs of the soap in the washer.
See? There is nothing creepy about any of that (incomplete) list. C'mon A&E; I'm a little offended.

Everything's A-OK

Let me begin by saying that my son does not watch Sesame Street. Have you heard about the controversy they have come in to with this Katy Perry appearance? Evidently she and her breasts were going to sing a duet with Elmo. (That little guy could name-drop all day, huh?) Anyways, there was a bit of a protest from parents when the video debuted on Youtube. Sesame Street has decided to cut her appearance on the episode, to save face. The thing is, however, that they thought it was completely appropriate to have this singer on their show in her revealing outfit. (Hey kids, this episode has been brought to you by the letter 'B' and the number '2'. )
Well, I, for one, completely agree with the show's producers. There is nothing wrong with Ms. Perry teaching our children. Let's look at her credentials:
1. She has experience in experimental games
2. She has knowledge of human nature
3. She has knowledge of how to send out an S.O.S
4. She has banking knowledge, specifically withdrawing cash
5. She has extensive knowledge of opposites, for example, 'black and white', 'hot and cold', 'yes and no'
6. She is credited with the diagnoses of a new psychiatric disorder: 'love bi-polar'
7. Like Sesame Street, she also has an interest in places that are better and knows of a place where the grass is really greener
8. She has knowledge of good nutrition and has promoted 'sippin' on a juice'
9. She has experience in architecture and can build a floor with nothing more than sheets
10. She has an interest in teenagers and their dreams
It seems she is over-qualified to be on Sesame Street, teaching our children. Why would anyone have a problem with this? Why should we condemn her for bringing her wealth of knowledge and experience? I am certain, in light of the above evidence, she is merely teaching our children an anatomy lesson and we should welcome it. In fact, Lady Gaga and Britney Spears would also be highly qualified and I might list their credentials at a later time. Why are all these parents in an uproar; sheesh...

Plenty of Sunshine

So, I changed the layout of my blog. It is all happy and sunny now, don't you think? I feel like now, all my posts should be sunny and happy, as well. So, with that in mind, here is my first official happy sunny post:
How are you today? Today is a wonderful Monday morning, wouldn't you agree? How wonderful to wake up at 0645 and see the sun shining and hear the birds singing outside my window. Zippedee doo dah, zippedy ay, my oh my what a wonderful day... I just love getting ready for school. I am wearing my bright yellow shirt with the happy face because I love to smile :) My daughter was so pleasant this morning, making her bed and folding her pajamas; she even skipped into the school building when I dropped her off. I sang all the way to Lubbock. I greeted everyone in my class with a big 'hello, I love all you guys so much.' Even now I am smiling and listening to this fascinating lecture so attentively. I am so excited to go home today and wash the dishes! It's going to be wonderful! Then, if I am lucky there will be some dirty laundry that needs to be washed. I just get so much pleasure out of folding clothes. Then I will happily stand over the stove and cook. The heat reminds me of the sun which reminds me of rainbows and flowers. Oh what a wonderful Monday!
...

Blessed are Those...

My clinical rotation today took me to Second Helpings in Lubbock. It is a ministry of the Methodist church on 13th Street, feeding the homeless and needy three times a week. As I was observing the crowd sitting down eating here is what I was thinking: These are Jesus' people. This is his crowd. Were he to be walking on the earth today this would be the group of people surrounding him. I don't think he'd come to visit our mega churches and crystal cathedrals; I really don't know he'd be comfortable there. Although, he might be angry. Starbucks?!? You have Starbucks in your church?!? I wonder if he'd overturn the cash registers and drive out the tall and grande dealers? Hmmm...
We have made quite the institution out of Christianity. So much so that it is often unrecognizable. We have our own industry; bookstores and music stores. (Don't we even have some amusement parks?) It's ridiculous. Do you really think Jesus came here to corner the market on fortune cookies with a positive message? What is wrong with us? Do we really believe that good contemporary worship music and a positive message is all there is to doing the work of Christ? 'I sat through church Sunday morning, clapped my hands to the songs and I even listened to the sermon; I've done my Christian deed for the week.' Sounds ludicrous but it's the attitude of so many of us Christians. (Maybe we should rethink what the word Christian means.) We have created a monster, really. Its a smooth operator, however. We call it church. Everything is tailored to our twenty-first century needs. I think if we are going to church to feel comfortable perhaps we should reconsider our motives. Not even perhaps; I really don't think God moves when we are not willing to. Yet we come to church each Sunday to beg God to move in our lives and spend the rest of our week standing still. Can you see the disconnect? Perhaps if we weren't so comfortable we'd be willing to change our churches. We'd be willing to kill the monster who has been blinding us, making us unable to see anything outside of ourselves. If we weren't so comfortable we'd be willing to move over and let someone we don't know into our church. Maybe even, (gasp), go outside of our four walls and help some people who desperately need it. I challenge all Christians to stop going to church if the only reason you are going is to ask God to do for you. Instead, have real church, outside of our monstrous, and oftentimes eerily empty, buildings. Make church in the streets, in the jails, in your neighborhoods; where ever there is need. Feed the hungry, clothe the naked, visit the imprisoned; this is church, this is worship. The church shouldn't be a blinding monster and it shouldn't be a structure. It is you and it is I. We are the body of Christ!
I have said all of this to say that as the church, we Christians ought to live as Jesus lived. We ought to help the people he loved. We ought to look in that book we carry with us to our churches every Sunday. You know what? If you'll read about Jesus' life you will find that he was homeless. He had no place to lay his head. He was surrounded by the homeless, the prostitutes, the sick, the rejected and the mentally ill. This was his crowd; these were his people. Go figure; with all of the religious institution around him, with their fancy buildings and lucrative marketing, he chose the streets as his place of ministry. I am honored to have been in his presence this afternoon, amongst his crowd. I imagine, were he to come to earth today in the same fashion he did before, he might be sitting at one of those tables eating goulash off of a styrofoam plate.

Thanks

Blah, blah blah blah blah. It is one of those days. I am running on empty and feeling sorry for myself. In the midst of all this I learn that my best friend was involved in a fender-bender this morning. She had my daughter with her. Everyone is fine but it makes you think. Well, it makes me think, anyways; a thousand 'what-ifs.' I'm very good at the 'thousand what-ifs' game. I won't start listing them here because I would never finish. The lesson learned is that God is good. I already know this but it's nice to be reminded. Gratefulness is a good remedy for 'feeling sorry for myself.' I definitely need more of it. Thank you God for all you do for me.

What's Love Got To Do With It?

I have been trying to follow this story about this crazy pastor, Jones in Gainesville, Florida. You know, the guy who thinks it's a brilliant idea to burn Korans on September 11th. Now, evidently, he has postponed or canceled this plan. But he is still dangling the threat around. He is convinced that God will use him to have the Mosque near the ground zero moved. Regardless of the consequences this crazy person is using the threat of burning holy books to gain attention. I almost feel like blogging about this guy is only adding to the problem, but then my blog has no influence so it's all right. I think he's just an idiot who has no knowledge of Muslim culture. He was probably surprised to learn how important the text is to the Muslim individual. After all, most Christians keep their Bibles in their car trunks and write and highlight in them. We don't usually hold the paper the text is printed in in reverence. This is different for Muslims, as well as many Jewish believers. The book itself, because of the words printed in it, becomes holy. To burn a Koran, therefore is a desecration. Surely, this gun-toting used furniture salesman did not know this. I am not excusing his behavior. Don't get me wrong. His actions, or threat of actions, are deplorable. Whether or not you believe in a certain religion does not mean you have to trash it!
I mention this ridiculous "minister", (no, I don't mean minister, he doesn't deserve that term), self-termed "reverend", (reverend from the same root that begets reverence; ironic, isn't it), in order to discuss a broader topic.
His actions are a symptom of a larger disease: Ignorance. Ignorance is dangerous. It causes us to be prejudice, which is a fear of something we don't understand. Prejudice begets hatred, which begets all sorts of evil. To inject God into a situation of "picking favorites" is the ultimate evil.
God loves only Christians. Do you see the evil in that statement? Can you see how one can only arrive at that conclusion through ignorance?
So, how do we remedy this situation? I believe the answer is education. Education begets tolerance, which begets kindness and love, which overcomes evil. I find it interesting that the aforementioned mosque, which is a part of a larger community center, is building an area designated to praying for other religions and tolerance. Wow! C'mon Christians; when is the last time you spent time in church praying for our Muslim population? When is the last time you said a prayer for a Hindu? Let me clarify, I am not talking about praying that they will change to your religion, I am talking about praying that they are blessed. Granted, I do not know what types of prayers for other religions are going to be said in the mosque. I have hope that we can all learn to love each other. As a follower of Christ I believe he was quite serious in his command to love.
"You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul and mind. This is the greatest and first commandment. And the second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets."
Is that unclear?

Amen

Allright, allright; clearly I've been tired lately. So my new pact today is: Don't sweat the small stuff! It's exhausting to complain about things I can not change.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change:
(The fact that I have to wake up early.
Other people's attitudes.
The poor gas mileage of my car.
A thousand other things.)
Courage to change the things I can:
(My attitude.)
And the wisdom to know the difference.

I See You

So, I would really like to complain about something but I feel like my blog may be too negative. Here's the thing, I can't keep worrying about whether or not someone might be offended or put off by my writing. Yes, I am publishing on the world wide web, but my readers are limited. I would assume that you know me if you are reading this. (If you don't hey, what's up; why are you reading my blog?) (And, in addition to my previous parenthesised statement I add this one: this is clearly not a blog I am writing to be taken in an extremely serious manner.) If you know me, then you know I'm not perfect. I try to understand people but I just don't understand this: why do people give dirty looks? You know, why glare at someone or roll your eyes at someone? Maybe I'm getting old but I think this is silly. What will you achieve with this tactic? Is it to make someone feel bad? I mean, its annoying, but my self esteem is not effected. Is it to tell someone you don't like them? You could just tell me; you won't hurt my feelings, honest. I don't need to be liked by everyone. Chances are I don't like you, either. That doesn't mean we can't be cordial and work together. I mean, there's no way you will like everyone you come across in life. We are all different. But, I'm not going to shoot you looks from across the room. Hmmm, I just don't know about this. Like I said, perhaps I am getting older because I remember in high school...wait, clearly its silly if I'm referring to high school. There are no excuses for dirty looks and anyone who gives them should just stop it. Then again, this is just my opinion. If you need to shoot looks at someone to make yourself feel better don't let me stop you, (like I actually could by writing a blog post). In fact I will do a 180 here and end by advising myself: don't let what someone else does bother you, no matter how silly it is. I'm glad we could have this talk; I feel better.

Tick Tick Tick...

Why do I procrastinate? I don't understand. I am not a procrastinator. Sounds like terminator. Hey work, "I'll be back." I remember when I was a student at LCU; I never procrastinated. I need to go to the library and check out twenty books so I can learn as much as possible about the historical setting of Qohelet? Great, I'm on it! In fact, I was so excited I would skip lunch just to do this. (I know I joke often in this blog, but I am actually being serious. Yes, I am this much a nerd.) Anyways, why do I not do this with my nursing school homework? I feel like I could answer this and I might not like the response. Am I getting lazy? No, surely not. I still do all of the other things my life requires without a hitch. It seems my putting off is limited to homework. Do I really not like nursing? That can not be it. I love caring for patients and I find nursing fascinating. So, where is the disconnect? Why do I not have the enthusiasm for the homework? All weekend I have had for this 'concept map' and here I am on Monday afternoon, still un-started. Granted, I know my mind does not work this way. I hate drawing little bubbles with little puzzle pieces of information. Can't I just write an essay? (I'm aware of the fact that most of my fellow nursing students are saying something like 'are you crazy?' Perhaps, I would reply; perhaps.) I just don't want to do it. I wonder how much longer I can put it off? Hopefully I can break out of this procrastination funk, or at least root out the cause of it. I'll think about it later.

Hell hath no Fury...

So my husband brought home the new 2011 Ford Mustang 5.0, six speed today for lunch. I think I sinned lusting for it. We went for a quick drive around the neighborhood. Here's the thing; my car saw us leave. She was just sitting there in the driveway, watching helplessly as we left in this newer model. Poor Reina, (yes I gave my car a name and yes it is Reina.) How hurt and jealous she must have felt. I will have to reassure her that I still love her and I am not seeing other cars. It was just a ride around the block, nothing more. I am not replacing her. I can never let her know I would seriously consider trading her for the new car if the opportunity arose. What she doesn't know won't hurt, right? I do love her and I depend on her. We have a good relationship; we are comfortable with each other. I know when she gets cranky she doesn't like to signal turns when I push the lever down. Sometimes when she is cold she doesn't like to start. I'm okay with her flaws; I can even accept the fact that her clutch is getting a little stiff in her old age. She knows me really well, too. She knows I like to listen to music really loud and sing off tune. She knows that when I'm cranky I drive too fast. She has even accepted the fact that I have my two-year-old in the back, constantly kicking her in the seat. We have understanding and acceptance, the building blocks of a good relationship. It has taken time and no 5.0 could replace her, at least that's what I'll keep telling her. I suppose I'll make it up to her by buying her a couple gallons of premium and taking her out for a drive. She'll be allright, even if she's mad right now.

Privy

I have been awake since before four this morning and I will have to wake up tomorrow at the same hour. I have been awake for twelve hours, now. (The time stamp on all my blogs is off, for some reason it will say 1:45 when its 4:00; just to let you know, so you don't think I'm dumb.) I think, the less sleep I'm going on, the dryer my sense of humor becomes. Some people, perhaps most, do not understand it. I think normal people need a sarcastic tone to accompany a sarcastic remark in order for it to register. Thanks to Shawna, Leah and Annaleigh for getting me. (Yes, I just gave you a shout-out on my blog.) Now, without a transitional sentence, I will change subjects.
I dropped my phone in the toilet today. Amazingly, without even thinking, I reached in and grabbed it. I was able to save it with my hair dryer. Luckily it was my toilet, which is cleaned fairly often, about every three days. If you know me, you are shocked right now that I reached in the toilet with my bare hands. I am surprised, too. I'm glad I acted on instinct, without considering it or else I would be sans phone right now.
Here's what I learned from this event: I value communication and connection more than cleanliness. Huh, who knew? My head says, 'no way would I reach in there, not for anything' but my instinct, and perhaps my truer self, said 'risk it, for your link to many of the people you care about is in that toilet!' Interesting, I think I've had a breakthrough. Right there with my hand in the toilet I had a breakthrough. (Hmm, now there is something I thought I'd never hear myself say.)

There's no Place like Home, There's no Place like Home...

So, we were outside all day. All day... We were at a small lake/pond type place fishing. Well, I was not fishing, of course. I was mostly watching my son push his stroller around, making sure I could see him at all times. I'm a lister, (it goes hand in hand with counting), and I was mentally compiling a list of reasons I don't like being outside:
1. It's hot outside in August
2. It's hot in the shade outside in August
3. There are flies outside
4. Flies land on everything, including my soda
5. I can no longer drink my soda once a fly has landed on it
6. Flies also land on barbecued chicken
7. I can no longer eat chicken if a fly lands on it
8. My kids can sunburn outside
9. There is dirt everywhere
10. There was dirt on my son's lollipop
11. My son continued to eat the lollipop even after the discovery of dirt on said lollipop
12. Outdoor restrooms are gross
13. There is generally no toilet paper in gross outdoor restrooms
14. I can not use a gross outdoor restroom which has no toilet paper
15. Pond/lakes that are outside have fish in them
16. My son and my daughter touch fish that are uncooked and still flopping around
17. There are not enough diaper wipes to keep children who are outside, touching flopping fish and eating dirty lollipos clean
These are just a few. (Perhaps camping is not a viable option for summer vacation next year.)

Restoring Honor, (to whom?)

Today is August 28th. It is the 47th anniversary of Rev. Martin Luther King Jr.'s I Have a Dream Speech. He delivered this speech from the steps of the Lincoln Memorial. He changed the world with his message of love and tolerance.
This morning from those same steps Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin both delivered a speech. If you really know me then you know that I am disgusted by this. If you do not then I have just told you. I am sick. I feel sorrow and anger. This false prophet, Beck, is polluting a sacred anniversary. Beck said he feels it is, "divine providence," that his rally be held on this day. As a Christian I am grieved.
Below is a link with the I Have a Dream Speech. I dare you to make it all the way through without tears.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PbUtL_0vAJk

www.what?

I'm so bored with the internet. What a funny thing to say. I'll say it again, just for effect. I'm bored with the internet. I wonder how that's possible; the entire world at my fingertips and I'm over it? I can learn anything I want to know instantly. I can see what all of my 'friends' are doing, all on one site and I'm starting to not care. Maybe my brother is on to something wanting to delete his facebook page. But then, what would I do in class? (I'm just kidding; I'm an outstanding student...) Here are some possible reasons why I'm bored:
1. I like learning, don't get me wrong. I just love books and I feel they are being endangered by this world wide web. Save the books, boycott Wikipedia! Should we start a movement?
2. I have a short attention span. I'm not committed to reading an entire article, often. Give me the outline and I'll decide. This would greatly improve the internet. How about a rating of interest before every item on the internet? This is very interesting, mildly interesting, boring as heck... I need a filter on my internet that only allows very interesting things. I may be on to something; patent please...
3. I have a general disinterest in trivial information about Sally's vacation. C'mon let's be real. (I just deleted the sentence I had here because I am making a real effort to be nice, so let me say something like: I would love to hear about your plane ride to Virginia Beach and I would also be very interested that your hotel has a pool! Nah, I'm lying, but I tried.)
4. I'm tired of, in my sister's words, communicating with my friends without actually communicating. What ever happened to a phone call? What about a visit? I feel we are replacing genuine relationship with status updates. It's funny because we write things like 'I love you; call me :)' in comments to our 'friends' but if they call we don't answer because we don't recognize the number. I don't know, maybe this is evolution.
Please respond and rate this post on a scale of 'very interesting--boring as heck'. Thank you.

Me

Last night, like the good Baptist that I am, I was praying for forgiveness of my sins. Now, here's the funny thing about that. I teach that salvation is not a sin issue and that we should not over-focus on our shortcomings to excess. (And the definition of redundancy is...) It brings about guilt and feelings of unworthiness, which are crippling. Anyways, my head and my heart are not always congruent. Additionally, old habits die hard. Its easy for me to get down on myself. So I'm talking all of this out with God and I'm like, "God forgive me for being mean and pessimistic and arrogant and and and..." Okay, so basically what I ended up doing was asking forgiveness for being me. "God forgive me for being me." Its almost like God said, 'do you know how silly you sound right now; who would you rather be?' (Whether or not God actually said 'do you know how silly you sound right now; who would you rather be'; I don't know.) "Good question," I said. Here are some possible options:
1. Mother Teresa. Who doesn't wish they could be as good a Christian as Mother Teresa? Who wouldn't love to live in the slums of India and spend all their time with the sick and destitute? Wait, me, that's who! I wouldn't last one minute in the slums of anywhere! You know there's dirt there, right? On the other hand, would Mother Teresa be as good a jail minister as me? I don't know.
2. Paul the Apostle. C'mon, this guy was awesome! Who wouldn't love to go around starting churches and influence the future of the followers of Christ in such a profound way? Who wouldn't want to be beaten and imprisoned for their faith? Umm, me. I love to visit my friends in the jail but I don't want to stay! I wonder if Paul would have had as great a relationship with his children, if he had any, like I do? I don't know.
3. Saint Francis of Assisi. Who wouldn't want the wisdom and patience of Saint Francis? Who wouldn't want to give up everything they own and live a primitive life of poverty? Me, that's who. I rather like the luxuries of new shoes and a washing machine and a car and and and... Would Saint Francis have made people laugh, relieving a boring moment? (Was Saint Francis ever bored?) I just don't know.
Granted there are things about me that I don't love and some things I'd like to change, I figure that I'm well suited to do the things God would have me do. It takes a certain type of personality to be a jail minister. That's why a lot of people that begin it don't last. Let's face it, I'll never be a foreign missionary, a church planter or a monk but I will continue to love those women incarcerated in Terry County Jail. I will continue to cherish the family that I have been blessed with and I will always try to make people laugh. I can work on my flaws but I'm not sure I'll ever overcome them. (Maybe some of what I feel are flaws are just quirks in my personality. Maybe all flaws aren't meant to be overcome.) I may not be the best Christian, but am happy to say I am not competing for that title. I am sometimes arrogant, often stand-off-ish, occasionally rude or even mean. I am stubborn and I am sarcastic. I am honest and I love and I always try my best. I'm well suited to be me.
One last thing; I just hate when people post as their facebook status something like, 'I'm a horrible person' or 'I'm just not feeling good about myself today' just so all their 'friends' can comment with 'oh you're great and I love you' or 'cheer up everyone thinks you're fantastic.' I'm seriously not fishing for compliments; thanks for understanding.

"When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary..."

I asked my daughter, who is in the fifth grade, "From what country did this nation declare independence?" You know what? She doesn't know. "Mexico?" she replied. Mexico? Granted, she knows Texas history well, but Mexico?! It is becoming clear to me that the school system is failing her. She is a straight 'A' student! She is one of the top readers and competes in academic UIL events. If she doesn't know this simple and important historical fact how is that reflecting on her school experience? More important even than the failure of the education system, I have failed her. I can no longer assume she is receiving an education just because I send her to school. I'm certain the problem is not isolated to this town or her school. I have been a college student for the better part of the last eleven years. I've heard my fair share of papers written by university students that make no sense at all. Listening to some of these presentations has been like watching a child lost in a forest, meandering aimlessly hoping to find a trail that may not actually exist. I hear words, not sentences and certainly not thoughts. I have seen college students struggle with simple concepts, like '6: 25:: 12: x'. Why is x so elusive to so many? Sad. Well, I am resolved to remedy this situation as far as my daughter is concerned. The education system may be failing her but I certainly will not. Update: In the time I have written this she has informed me that it was indeed Britain. There is hope for the future generation yet.

School Days, School Days, Wonderful, Wonderful School Days...

Since when were school supplies community supplies? My daughter came home from school for the second time upset after a first day of school. (The first time was in third grade, the year before last.) The teacher had taken up all of her stuff to put it in a community pot to become the class supplies. She held out on submitting her pencils to the pot. Her pencils are cool! Most of the kids brought the school-bus yellow ones and hers say things like 'cool' and 'rad'. I don't know what they actually said but that is what mine said one year. Wow, just admitting that my pencils said 'rad' tells you how old I am. Why is her teacher doing this? I don't understand. Part of beginning the new school year for an elementary student is picking out all the school supplies. I even took her to Lubbock so she wouldn't have the same ol' Walmart stuff all the other kids would. Its one of the few things, besides new clothes and shoes, (never underestimate the power of new shoes), that she likes about returning to school! I asked her why she didn't ask why this was necessary and then remembered she was ten. "Because the teacher will be mad at me," she responded. Whether or not the teacher would have actually been mad at her is unknown but what is sure is she is missing all of her cute strawberry and cherry notebooks. Why do this to the kids? 'Hi kids my name is Ms. Robin Hood and you greedy children will now be sacrificing your belongings to me.' What a great start! I understand the reasoning; some of the children could not afford to purchase their own supplies and they shouldn't be made to feel different. I'm willing to buy some extra notebooks and pencils if it means my daughter doesn't have to watch little Sally receive her strawberry notebook while she gets Jonnie's blue one with the oddly printed lines. Okay, I'm done venting and off to Walmart to buy her, I mean some child, markers. Which is another thing: why are not all the things they need on the dang list?!? Right, right, right; done venting...

That's Only One-third of the Test?

Antipsychotics work by blocking dopamine receptors. Evidently dopamine causes psychosis? Phenothiazines; I suppose the only type or the only one I have to know. Wow, I wonder if I have to remember all the names: Thorazine, Prolixin, on and on... Okay, photosensitivity; I can remember that, right? Avoid direct contact with this medication in liquid form. I wonder why but I'm too tired to look it up at this point. Neuroleptic Malignant Syndrome. Neuro means the senses and lepsis means to take hold of. Thank you Greek! Malignant is bad so this syndrome must be, as well. Not sure I'm looking up autonomic instability tonight, either. Dantrolene treats something else, too. Duh, you stop the medication. Increase fluids because there's a fever. EPS, (Extrapyramidal Syndrome); that's a hard word to say: Extrapyramidal. Treat this with cholinergics unless its too late and there is permanent tardive dyskinesia. There are some videos of that on Youtube. There are videos of everything on Youtube. People put stupid stuff on Youtube. Atypical antipsychotics: Clozaril, Risperdal, Abilify, (the only one I've heard of)... Observe for diabetes mellitus and infection; I'm sure there's a good reason for that. Antidepressants; that looks like a really long word typed out. SSRI's: Prozac, Paxil, Zoloft, Celexa, Lexapro. These sound like ink cartridge brands. My printer is almost out of ink. Ink is so expensive. Good thing I don't print notes. Maybe that would give me something to do in class. Take these with food in the morning. Oh, this has the risk of Serotonin Syndrome. Did you know there's an over-the-counter cough syrup that blocks the reuptake of serotonin? Tremors, mood change, apnea leading to death, diarrhea, sweating, bloating; perhaps I have these symptoms out of order. Okay, we're supposed to administer a serotonin receptor blockade. Is that a drug? Another thing I probably won't be looking up. My daughter is coughing. I hope she's not getting sick the night before the first day of school. I'm going to go check. Dantrolene and Valium for muscle rigidity. What is this about? Oh yeah, Serotonin Syndrome. Atypical antidepressants; I love how Lexicomp just has 'other' in the drug class category. I especially loved writing that on that clinical paperwork and getting counted off for it. Wellbutrin, Effexor, Remeron, Cymbalta... Somnolence; being very sleepy. Anticholinergic effects; isn't that all of the drugs? Take this with food. TCA antidepressants. These were developed in the 1950's in France, I believe. Tofranil, Norpramin, Elavil... Tachycardia, lethal in overdose. Should we be giving these to depressed patients? Take in the evening. MAOI's: Nardil, Parnate, Marplan, Emsam, (which is a patch). Causes muscle cramps. This is the one you have to watch out for tyramine. Also has drug interactions. I want to go to sleep. Also causes Hypertensive Crisis; nuchal rigidity, severe nosebleeds, dilated pupils. Cool the patient down. This one is also lethal in overdose. Okay, stimulant drugs; Ritalin, Cylert, Adderall, Dexedrine... So, Strattera is a stimulant drug, but its not a CNS stimulant? Anorexia, cardiac effects. Sounds like cocaine. "If you wanna hang out you've got to take her out; cocaine..." Treats narcolepsy too; makes sense. I bet cocaine would treat narcolepsy. "She don't lie, she don't lie, she don't lie, cocaine..." Antianxiety; I think I'd rather say anxiolytics; makes me sound smarter. Benzodiazepines: Xanax, Librium, Valium, Lorazepam... And Buspar, which is not a benzodiazpine, I think. Treats anxiety disorders, insomnia, OCD, depression, PTSD and alcohol disorder. I might just eat this entire pint of ice cream. Rocky road is so good. Moderates the actions of GABA, anxiolytics, not rocky road. Can cause dependence and tolerance. Mood stabilizing drugs are for bi-polar disorder. These are Lithium, Tegretol, Depakote, Lamictal and Neurontin. They decrease the release of norepinephrine and normalize the reuptake of neurotransmitters. This can cause hand tremors, rash and surprise, surprise- anticholinergic effects. Oh, I bet there will be questions over the toxicities: metal taste with Lithium, alopecia and hepatic failure with Depakote, Stevens-Johnson Syndrome with Lamictal and aplastic anemia with Tegretol. So take with food, monitor lab levels and have adequate fluid intake. Alcohol deterrents: Antabuse and Campral make you sick if you drink. Opioid deterrents: Methadone, Suboxone and Clonidine block cravings and effects of opioids. Decision time: Should I get up early or stay up late? Perhaps both...

Seriously

I have promised myself that I will try to post everyday, in an attempt that this blog be an honest reflection of myself. The thing is, I haven't a single witty or humorous thing to say today. I have spent the majority of this day studying psychopharmacology. My brain is completely fried.
In light of that, I will take this opportunity to clarify a few things. First, sarcasm is a major component of my personality. Please take some things I say with a grain of salt. Also, honesty is not for everyone. If you have been offended by something you have read I am sorry. I am honestly sarcastic; this is what I am trying to say. However, please don't let my plethora of witty remarks and observations fool you; beneath it all I am just like you, unsure and in desperate need of grace. Please keep this in mind if you have decided to join me on this blogging journey.

I'm sorry; what did you say?

Have you ever had somebody hang up on you while you're talking on the phone? I mean, mid-sentence, just 'click'!? How does it make you feel? I'm asking because my mother-in-law does this all the time. You call her and you're talking and as soon as she gets the information she wants from you she's done. Sometimes you get a brief 'okay' before the click and rarely even a 'bye' but, more often than not, its simply a click. It doesn't matter who called whom, this is how the conversation ends. Its easy to be offended by this, or frustrated, as my husband often is. I'm just emotionally distant enough to appreciate this conversation-ending tactic. I wish I could be so brave. You know when you've been on the phone with someone and the conversation is clearly over and you try to 'wrap it up'? Don't you just hate it when the other party is oblivious to the fact that you're over the chat? I even have this problem with online chat or text messaging. You ask a question and then you get the answer; now you feel obligated to say 'bye', often with a token smiley face :) How liberating it would be to be on the phone and once you ascertain the PTO meeting is indeed at seven Tuesday night you just hang up without hearing about the fantastic casserole Susan made last night! Wouldn't it be great to not have to worry about whether or not its customary to offer the 'goodbye smiley' online? I propose we start a movement, you and I. No more idle chat! No more telling about the funny thing your cat does! No more discussing the tuna-for-chicken substitution in your casserole! I challenge you to hang up on the next person that strays into boring land in their conversation; (clearly, I'm not serious). No more awkward niceties that mean nothing! Come with me; we can change the world!
Okay, its been great blogging to you; bye :)

Everything is Fine

So, I was vacuuming the floor and I really wanted to get the hose attachment and vacuum the edges, you know, around the baseboards. I did not because I only vacuum the edges on Fridays or Saturdays. Its one of my rules. I have a lot of rules. This rule, when I think about it is unique. Most of my rules are to control my environment. For example, when I pour the laundry detergent in the washer I will rinse the lid ten times. I do this in order to be sure that it is rinsed the same every time. (I am aware of the fact that this sounds ludicrous to the reader.) I tap the milk jug ten times before pouring my milk because I want to make sure that there are no little 'crusties' around the edge of the jug. I can't drink the milk if there is a chance of 'crusties.' I eat a banana with a fork because I don't want spit on my banana. I could do this all day... Well my vacuuming rule is different. As you can see, I overdo a few things. The lid of the detergent is sufficiently rinsed after two times. The other eight rinses are just for good measure. I don't vacuum the edges on Sunday through Thursday because I would do it everyday, to excess. So this rule is a balancing rule. It keeps my other excessive actions in check. It balances me- at least, that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

So, if 'A' is 'B', then is 'B' 'A'?

So, I have decided to start a new blog. This one will be different from the other that I have, in that this will be a collection of thoughts that I have. My aim is to honestly share. (I may inadvertently reveal how scattered my thoughts can be.)
I'll start right away. I am sitting in class right now. Perhaps blogging is not the wisest use of my time right now but it beats sleeping. All be it that TCA antidepressants is very interesting. Does anyone know what TCA stands for? Also, why is consuming alcohol while taking Cialis funny?
Here is something that really bothers me: stupid questions. I know what you're thinking; there is no such thing as a stupid question. I beg to differ. A question that repeats what the instructor just said is stupid. A quizzical tone at the end of a statement does not a question make, but it does waste time in class.
Overdose in tricyclic antidepressants is evidenced by sedation and orthostatic hypotension. Hopefully that will be a test question because I caught that.