The Essence

Words. Feelings. Emotions. All jumbled together within me. I cannot express them. I am without. I am a conundrum. I want to write, to express myself, to open my soul and bleed it a little. I need an outlet. It's all wrapped up inside of me. A mix of feelings unspoken, perhaps not yet perceivable, even to me. I need to release, to exhale, to clear my mind. I need you, as well, in the way you need me. Something brought you here. You've read me before; now you're back. Intriguing, isn't it? All of us now are gathered here, where time and space seem irrelevant. Matters, doesn't matter, matters, non-matters, all jumbled together here. All found, all lost. Anger, expressed. Grief, found. Sorrow, expounded. Happiness, sought. Joy, obtained.

Peace.

Love.

Peace.

Love.

God, man, and the distance between them.

Peace.

Love.

Peace.

All of our feelings amount to this. This is the end of all humanity. This is the intention. Why we are without, why we suffer. It is all for peace, love.

Peace.

Love.

It all amounts to this. It all falls apart and is collected into this: Peace, love. Welcome to the love of God, the peace that surpasses all understanding. Emotions can not overcome it. The tides do not erode it. It is the beginning and the end. The matter of all things. Broken I am and peace speaks. Humble I become and love overflows. Welcome. Take it all in. Here I am laid bare. I fall into submission and the essence of all things overtakes me, overtakes you.

Peace.

Love.

Love.

Peace.

This too?

I am sooo hungry! Man, what I eat is not what I want to be watching! !! (Extra exclamation points just for good measure!) !! (One more time: !! I'm done now.) Anyways, I am t-h-i-r-t-y years old now. Wow, thirty, three-zero, 30, 3-0. So, I can no longer eat just whatever in the heck I want to, (like I ever really could. I just did, even to my own detriment.) So, I am mostly just hungry right now. I really want some gravy or melted cheese or pasta or any kind of carb or meaningful fat. It's like a battle between my mind and my appetite. I have to prevail. I really have no choice at this point in my life.

Ok, so here's the deal: I like to control my environment. Why is this one thing so hard? You know, I literally have to try not to control so many things, but this one thing I really want to control has ruled over me for years now. Hmmm, it's a conundrum.

Well, anyways, I am winning the battle for now and I will always do my best to continue. I will learn to deal with hungry and this, too, shall pass...(right, this will pass, won't it?!?)