Open?

I'm a little too quiet and I need to open up more. What does that mean, exactly? What does this mean, open up? About myself? Who cares? How does that change my abilities as a nurse? Surely this is not what it means. Why does this bother me? It shouldn't. It's just an evaluation, after all. It's one person's opinion of me. It just happens to be an important person in my career right now. So, will I take this to heart? Possibly? I just don't understand. This is bothering me. Why? Well ok; here is me opening up:

I'm not sure I love being a nurse. I hope that I will. I hate that after hours upon hours on my feet my lower back feels like its on fire. It is hard to concentrate on anything else but pain when it gets like that. Maybe this is why I don't open up, because I don't want to be viewed as a complainer. Because I am not a complainer. I'm frustrated that I do not know what to do all of the time. I'm not sure where everything is, I forget things I need before I go a patient's room and I keep forgetting to print those damned med slips! I need to start an IV. I need to learn more about all of these meds. I need to prioritize my time. It drives me crazy that I feel inferior to everyone around me. I'm so ready to feel comfortable as a nurse; to feel like I'm competent and know what I'm doing. I am trying my best. I will always try my best. So, I can not open up at all, you see. I don't want you to know that I feel this way. Frustration and feelings of inferiority are not appealing. So, there it is: I'm all opened up now. Hmmm, I have to say, I don't really feel any better.

I Have More Marks Than You, So There

I was thinking about something the other day. Why do some Christians give credit out? You know, like when someone is "saved," (if you don't know why I put it in quotations ask somebody who knows me), and someone else will say something like, 'oh, well that so-and-so, they really are good for that. They are going to get a big blessing.' Or, take someone who prays for someone who is sick and they get better; inevitably someone will credit the person who prayed. The thing is that some people receive a higher status in the church for this reason. Heck, I've heard people say that they should have so-and-so pray for them because they have more power. Seriously? Do we really believe that? Or, again, how about when a Christian singer or preacher dies and their music or preachings still are broadcast and someone is moved by them? I know that I've heard it said, "wow, look at that; they are already gone and they are still blessing people. They just got another reward in Heaven." I don't understand this logic. If people have some special powers then what do I need God for? Please, don't get me wrong. I don't serve God because he has special healing powers or anything. The only thing I need from God is his love and salvation, both of which are mine without the asking. Is it not one God who works through us all? Why credit people? Do we really think that God has a huge chalkboard with all of our names on it and he adds a tally next to our name when we do something that blesses someone? After five tallies we get a prize, what we call a blessing? Does this make sense to anyone else?