Hope

I miss you so much.  You would know just what to say right now.  I wish I could hug you.  I can smell your sweater; your yellow sweater.  Smells like home, smells like comfort, love, safety, love.  Can I have that for just one second, God?  Could you grant me a moment with my grandpa?  I really need the security.  The familiarity.  I feel like a child again.  A scared little girl.  Am I the little girl in the closet again, begging God to see me?  God, do you see me?  I know you care, you have to.  You've proved it before.  I need you now.  Forgive me for everything.  Save me now.  Help me now.  Can you make everything better?  Could you please?  I'm so sorry.  I'm sorry.  I don't know what else to say.  The funny thing is, you warned me.  You warned me.  Why wasn't I paying attention?  Before I would have asked you.  I would have known.  You would have told me.  So stupid; I can't believe I'm so stupid.  Everything is unraveling.  Why can't I stop it?  I wish it so bad; I feel it in my bones.  My very core is trembling.  Leveled; completely leveled is my foundation.  Everything.  Everything.  Who am I?  I am scared.  I need a miracle now.  I need a miracle like before.  I know you were there.  I saw you.  I saw you that night.  You loved me then.  Do you still love me now?  I saw you.  In the back yard.  I remember.  All my grandparents were there.  I was scared then and I did not understand.  I'm so much more scared now that my eyes are wide open.  Can you perform a miracle?  You did before.  Before the pain.  Before the heart ache.  He believed.  He trusted you.  He loved you.  He still does.  He still does.  Do you love him still?  Can you tell him?  He needs to hear it.  He needs to feel it.  Can you tell him he's strong?  Can you remind him of who he is?  Can you tell him I need him?  Can you tell him I'm still his little girl?  I love him so.  I need him.  Can you be God to us?  Little, insignificant us?  You're our only hope.  I read once it does not disappoint.  That will have to be my new foundation.  Hope.  Let me be strong for him.  Pick me up so I can hold him.  God, please.  I'm begging you again.  Forget all that I know.  Please, God.  Please.  Help us.  Be to us what you were before.