שׁוּבָ

So, a friend of mine asked me after church today if "the situation" was getting any better, (referring to the situation I blogged about in my anger last.) Anyhow, I was like, "well, no but its ok." I've been thinking about it and yes, the situation has changed. The most important of all changes has come about. No, there wasn't some Red Sea parting separating them from my ladies in the jail. They are still going to the jail. So, in that sense all is the same. The change I am speaking about is in my heart. This may sound extremely ironic but I think it is very easy for people in ministry to stop relying on God. Let me expound: I feel that when things are going smoothly its easy to get into a rhythm. Its a lulling rhythm that will put any normal human to sleep. It can be so lulling it borders on fatal. In other words, I think this strife may have been the jolt my ministry needed to save its life. Funny that I'm saying this. I can hardly believe it myself. When this problem arose I realized that I am not sufficient. All of my knowledge and all of my experience and all of my education means diddly when it comes to these things. You see, I cannot control everything. Sometimes things just happen. Its a hard lesson to learn, but a saving one. So let me clarify and restate: Yes, there has been a drastic change. I am learning to trust God; completely. My heart is softened. I lift my voice and cry to Him once again. It is my returning.

Take my Life, Make it Yours

I have to choose to trust God. I have to let go. I have to stop protecting my heart. Do I trust Him to keep my heart or not? It's not like I'm doing a good job of it or anything. I am so influenced by external forces. I'm worshipping God and in a fantastic mood and one setback can change all of that. Then I'm left drowning in a sea of doubt. I know God is there. I know He loves me. I know I am saved. My doubt is life. I doubt that I am living my life for God. Eternity is much easier, you know. I don't have to do anything for that. But I refuse to wait until I die to dwell in His presence. I reach for Him, think of Him, pray to Him, sing of Him. Then it evaporates. Is my faith in the here and now so surface that any change in my environment causes it to float away as a vapor? What am I really doing? Is there something inherently wrong with me?

God whispers I am loved. He whispers it is he who loves me. Be still and know that I am God.

Take my every moment, Lord. I am just wasting them anyways. Make them useful to your purposes. Do not let my life overtake your life within me. I can not do this without you. Why would I want to? That's a good question. Why would I, having been set free go on being a slave? Why do I? Why do I let my life serve as a distraction? Help me focus. I am tired. I am overwhelmed and overcome, and not with the right things. Please, God, overwhelm me with your love, overcome me with your presence. I need you. I need you in my life. I need my life to be yours.

Blog Bipolar

Katy Perry has a song with the phrase, 'love bipolar' in it. I can't remember the song, but it was all about opposites. 'Black and white, hot and cold', so on and so forth. I even wrote a blog about it. You can go back and search, if you like. I'm not technologically savvy enough to link it for you. I can think of a few friends right now who will resist the urge to comment and explain to me how to do this. Oh, anyways, I think I might be 'blog bipolar'. Have you read my blog? Its crazy, in that every post is contradicting the previous, for the most part anyway. I'm mad as a hornet then I'm praying. I'm drastically sarcastic and then all serious. I admit this is probably confusing for some readers. (You like how I said that like there are thousands of readers who follow my blog? There are more like ten or so, maybe. I don't even really know. Hey, I know; let's feed my ego by everyone who reads this responding with something like, "I read your blog every day. You're the best!" (I'm just kidding.) Did I just put parenthesis within my parenthesis? Yes, yes I did.) So, I wanted to say that yes, my blog is a bit bipolar, but perhaps so am I. I mean, I have strong feelings about quite a few things and this is evident in my blog. Sometimes I have a hard time seeing things that are not in my metaphorical box; for example, other people's point of views. I try, really I do. Sometimes I feel like I know everything; shocking, I know. Other times I feel I know nothing, which is probably closer to reality. All of this is evident in my ramblings, I mean writings. So, thanks for sticking around. Thanks for going on this journey with me. Please, feel free to plunge into the sea of uncertainty and hypocrisy and love and frustration and desire to please and striving and failure and always attempting to be better and utter dependence on the love of God that is my existence. The water is just fine...

שְׁמַע

I am torn.

Dashed upon the rocks in a sea of change is my heart.

Empty and bleeding I call to you.

My refuge.

My Rock.

My strength.

Teach my heart to hear.

Teach my soul to listen.

Shema, I call out, shema.

My heart responds: How great Thou art.

Then sings my soul, how great Thou art.

Help me Lord.

To you I lift up my head.

Do not take your presence from me.

Create in me a clean heart.

Love me.

Heal me.

Love me.

Here am I, Lord, Here am I.

Changes

I've made a lot of changes in the past two years. Nursing school has changed my life. It has been truly challenging and I am so blessed to have had this experience. As I launch into a new chapter of my life, working as a nurse, I look back and ponder some of the changes that have come about:

1. Whenever I introduce myself to a new person I always look down to see if my badge is turned around so they can read my name; at church, at the grocery store...


2. When I sit across a table from someone I measure up their veins to determine where the best place for a stick would be.


3. I look for the alcohol dispensers on every wall; everywhere.


4. I open my tacos at Taco Bell using sterile technique.


5. I consider changing the sheets while my husband is still in the bed.

Also some serious stuff too but those things are cliche and boring.

About Yesterday

Whew; yesterday was rough for me. I was so angry. I feel better now. I'm all calm again. I live at calm, I think. I try not to let too much bother me. I'm not ever very angry. I try not to get my feelings hurt. All of that was out the door yesterday. One day out, I can think a lot more clearly. A lot more clearly; is that a proper phrase? Probably not. Who cares? This is my blog. I'll write it how I please. Sorry, back to my point. Did I have a point? Oh yes, I was going to clarify calmly why I was so angry. I was angry because I had asked for help in my jail ministry. I had two responses and I am going to train these two to do what I do. Hopefully they will stick around and be able to have my service when I am unable to; for example, on the Thursdays I will have to work. Anyways, I was very specific when I made my request in church. I said that I have over six years experience and I know what I'm doing. I am not looking for someone to do something different. I need someone who is humble enough to learn from my experiences. Ok, so after having said all of that there a couple women who heard something like, 'I am not going to go to the jail anymore and I need you to take it over.' I'm not sure if that's what they heard. I'm being kind. Anyways, they started going on Monday nights and it angers me because I have been here before. I do not feel the need to rehash all of this because I went through all of it yesterday. Anyways, it really is that simple and now I will calmly pray about it. Thank you for reading this blog. Thank you for your understanding. Please bear with me. I occasionally have a bad day.

Catharsis

I am so tired of underhanded selfishness. I am so tired of the people who are the ugliest to me coming from my own congregation. I'm sick and tired of lying and deceitfulness and sleaziness. Let me tell you a story: Once upon a time there was this jail minister. Let's call her Sally. She had been having a weekly service for about four years. One day these other women started having a jail service for the incarcerated women as well. There was this one young girl, about 22 years old, who was in jail. She was going to court to hear whether or not she would lose her children permanently. She asked these other women who were having a service on a different night from Sally to pray for this situation. These other women laid hands on her and "prophesied" that Jesus said that she would not lose her children. God would take care of it and he would give her her children because he loved her. This young woman was ecstatic to hear this good news. She shared this with Sally, who was a bit unnerved by the bold prophesy. At the end of the service Sally prayed for this young woman. While praying for the young woman, Sally felt she would not retain custody of her children. It was very difficult for Sally to tell this young woman that the former prayer by these other women may not be the truth. Well, the court day came and the young woman lost her children. She rejected God, feeling that he lied to her. Isn't that a sad story? Fortunately the women who "prophesied" over her are no longer doing jail ministry. Sally, on the other hand continues in her labors, remaining faithful to the truth. These other women committed this misstep in their ignorance. I can't sugar coat that. It was ignorance. The point of my story is that I have dealt with people who are in ministry for selfish reasons before. I fear history will repeat itself. Am I jealous? You better believe it! I am a jealous minister! I have been doing this for six years and I know what I am doing. I know what works, I know what doesn't. Please do not go behind my back and try to take something from me. Do not hurt my women! I care so much for them and truly love them. This is not about me; do not make this about you. Oh, and one last thing I'd like to say: Easy come, easy go. That is all, for now...

Hate is ok in Context??

I don't understand. Why does something like a child's basketball game have to be so serious? Apparently with my forty dollar payment, not only does my daughter get to play ten or so basketball games, we also get nastiness, bitterness, hatefulness and flat-out ugliness from some of the coaches. It simply is disgusting. Why ruin something that should be fun for these children? What are we really teaching them? Hey, with the right manipulation and vindictiveness you can have your way. When you lose at something don't learn from it how to be better. Don't even accept losing at all. Fight back with gossip and rumors and accusations and ugliness. I mean, what kind of coach allows, at least, and perhaps encourages her players to curse at the opposing team, throw tantrums when losing and distract the opposite team when shooting a free throw by shrieking or clapping? This is such bad sportsmanship. I really am amazed at the audacity of this particular coach from last night, as well as many of the parents, (not only from last night's game.) Seriously, this is your child. Her performance on the basketball court should not shape your view of her. Why do you have to go up there during halftime and chew your child out in front of everyone, wagging your finger in her face? Sheesh, people. Relax, this is just a game! And, more importantly, these are our children! Can we please stop all this ugliness? Can we, as adults, please set a good example for our children? Remove hate from this game. These children are innocent victims and this is abuse. I'm serious. They trust you as their coach to teach them the right way and you are telling them to push and curse and distract and be sore losers. You are teaching them hate! Can you not see that? You should be ashamed of yourselves! That is all; for now, anyways...