We Believe That We Shall Also Live With Him

I'm sorry, what were you saying? I cannot hear you because I am analyzing your theology.
Will it always be this way? I am forever ruined to the beauty I used to find in a sermon? Yes, yes, yes, salvation. Right. Well that is a very good exposition on the doctrine of justification. But, where is the participation? I can't hear anything else you say now because I am completely caught on this half definition of salvation. Is "church" completely ruined for me now? Could you imagine if I attended Sunday school? That would certainly be interesting...
I can't listen to Christian music the way i used to either. I can't do the 'oh wait til heaven' stuff. Earth is terrible and this life is horrid but in heaven everything will be great. Alright, but isn't that kind of missing the entire point of serving Christ? Which part of life abundant means death? I don't understand. Well I do but I'm being facetious. I just feel like participation, concerning salvation is mostly overlooked in Christian music. Contemporary Christian music, anyways.
So, would everyone who wishes to talk about God please include all of salvation in their discussion before talking to, singing to, preaching to me? I'm kidding but it would be nice.

The Perfection of Nothing

A blank page with a blinking cursor; such a sign of hope. This page can be anything. This page could be nothing. Something of great significance or merely a passing moment between reader and writer. I could fill it with anything, a journey, a moment, a struggle. I could convey my life or perhaps some other life; who knows. Do I even know? I could be honest or intentionally deceitful, all is fair in writing. Do I even know the difference? Do you?
There is much hope in a blank page. There is great beauty in an uncommitted space. It can still be anything. The possibilities are limitless. It is still like a child, full of hope and untainted by the cruelty of the world. It is still free. An unspoken thought or idea holds much potential. It can change the world. It is still full of hope, uncriticized, unmocked. It has no bounds, no limits. It is not confined within our frameworks, with our words.
Perhaps the words that will fill this page will change me. I am changing now, writing these words, filling this page. Manifesting that which was not. I am a creator. I am the lord of this space, these thoughts, this potential. You are changing, too. Can you feel it? Do you feel the potential? You can create, as well. Create your own world within these words. Your potential is unhindered. What is it to you? Who are you to it? These things are one in the same. You have joined me on this journey. You are with me in this moment. Are you struggling with me, as well?
Here we are in this moment, creating a world within words. The power of the potential is intoxicating. Emotions run free. The idea is alive, still unspoken, still unwritten. We carry it together. It is created between us. I relish this moment, unhindered, unchained. It is still nothing, anything, everything. I begin the moment where I end it, in the beginning. I struggle, I write, I am.

End of Twenties Crisis?

Am I having some sort of crisis? I can't decide what I want out of life. I want to be a nurse and I have this plan to earn a masters in nursing. Is that really what I want? Why can't I just work at a doctor's office? What's wrong with that? Nothing, really. Is that what I want? What do I want? I know what I want: I want a masters in Biblical interpretation. Can I have that? Does that fit into my life? Is it even important what I want anymore? Is there a point in life when you're too old to be concerned with what you want? Was it ever important at all? Do I sound extremely selfish right now with all this "I" talk?
I think it matters because I'm making future plans right now. Should I apply for the graduate nursing program. My reasons for wanting to do so are sound. I feel I would have more and greater advancement opportunity in my future profession. That's a really good reason isn't it? However, is it the right decision for me? Not too long ago I was sure it was.
My daughter is eleven. She will be in college in seven years. This should be my focus right now. What exactly that means, I'm not sure. Would it be better for her if I earned a masters in nursing?
I'm nearly thirty years old. Perhaps my time for learning has passed. I don't really mean that. I just mean that perhaps my days as a student are over. Am I holding on to hopes of graduate education for the right reasons? Should I let go? I just don't know.
What is going on in my head right now? I don't even know who I am at this point in my life. I need some clarity...

People Helped

I'd be willing to bet that not too many people in Minnesota or Wisconsin drive Mustangs. You want to know why I think that?
This morning I dropped off my daughter at school and made it not half a block and found my car snowbound. This experience was, initially, really scary. My fear was quickly replaced by embarrassment. 'Hey look at me. The idiot with the snow-banked Mustang.' Seriously though, Mustangs are not designed for snow driving. Oh, I learned something new today: It is near impossible to 'rock' a standard out of snow. I did not know that. So, I'm sitting there in my car wondering how I'm going to fix this, wondering how I'm going to make it to school on time and this really interesting thing started happening.
People helped me. And not just a few. People, none of whom I knew, helped me. There was a lady and her teen-aged daughter who helped another man try to push my car back. There was the man who tried to talk me through rocking my car out of the snow. Then there was the volunteer fireman and his passenger who pulled up behind me, put his fireman lights on, hooked my car up to some cables and pulled my car out with his truck. Amazing.
The goodness of humanity never ceases to amaze me. It was cold, -2 degrees with a windchill in the -20's. It was snowing. Nevertheless, people helped. Thank you God for creating such goodness when you created man.

There Must be a Method

I grew up with systematic theology. Really, I'm a baptist. At least I was a baptist. I am, was, I'm not sure. Anyways the Southern Baptist Convention is systematic about everything, practice and theology. I suppose theology is what brings about practice. I'm just not sure I buy it. Here's the thing: I think that each Biblical book could stand alone, perhaps. I know that was not a very clear statement. Perhaps its not a very clear thought. And, perhaps there are some exceptions. Perhaps the Pentateuch is an exception. And then there are the authors who were clearly dependent on each other's writings. And perhaps that is all of them. Have I walked myself in a complete circle? Ok, so maybe I don't think each book stands alone. No, I don't think that. However I am aware that there are redactional layers and varying voices even in individual books. I think what I'm trying to figure is, how can we say that what Luke says is dependent on what John says? I would say Luke is independent of John. John wrote later than Luke. It seems irrational that we should consider what John says when reading Luke. Additionally, how can we read the Torah, Tanakh, Old Testament through the lens of the New Testament? It seems silly to me. I'm not certain that the Trinity is in the Torah. (I'm not even convinced its in the New Testament. I'm actually pretty sure its not.)

Are you still with me? So, I believe that the Bible is inspired. I don't think that means that God was whispering in John's ear that everything he writes must be congruent with what was already written by Luke, (to use my earlier example.) The systematic reading of the Bible I was brought up with says that we must harmonize all of the inconsistencies within the Bible. I think maybe we were afraid that admitting there are things that don't jive with each other is equivalent to saying that the Bible has mistakes. It's a lot like throwing out the baby with the bath water. None of it could be "wrong" or all of it might be. Did I really believe this at one time?Isn't it extremely dependent on what one thinks "wrong" is? I think maybe apologetics might have something to do with this reading. I know I was taught to defend God and prove God, (like He needs my help with that).

Also, I think we Baptists really like concordances. I have an exhaustive one on my bookshelf. You could literally follow along with many of the Baptist preachers I've heard if you have one. To the outsider it may appear that he is bouncing along aimlessly through the Bible, but a fellow concordance owner knows what's up.

So, let me try to focus some. Let me use the idea of the Trinity, the personage of God. Alright, so systematic theology consists of lists so let me make one, (this list is Strong's):

1. The Father is God

2. The Son is God

3. The Spirit is God

4. There is but one God

Alright. I believe all four statements but what I'm not sure about is how all three of these are strung together. Biblicaly, its a hard case. A thousand people could make or break it a thousand ways. Rambling, rambling, rambling...
Ok, so here is my final thinking on this endless subject. (You see what I did there?)
1. It starts with faith
2. It includes Biblical study
3. It ends with faith
Look, its a list. How systematic of me...

Mothers

Thank God for mothers. I called my mom last night and I was very upset. My three year old is bringing the sequel to the 'terrible twos' with the 'extremely terrible threes.' Poor baby. Its not his fault, really. He just doesn't understand why mommy doesn't have a lot of time for him. He wants my attention so he gets it, whatever it takes. It breaks my heart. I hate disciplining him. I feel like I'm the one who needs punishing. Pay attention to your child! What kind of mother are you? This is how I feel. Anyways, I called my mom.
"It will be ok, you are doing this for his good. He just doesn't understand." I know school is important but so are my kids. I know this is for my kids future. I want them to go to college. I want more opportunity for them. Try explaining all this to a three year old. So I was trying so hard to study yesterday to no avail. He and his sister are not getting along. He's turning the t.v. on and off. My sanity is slowly slipping. I am so overwhelmed. I call my mom.
"I'm going to fail my test on Monday. This is impossible." I am defeated.
"It's going to be ok, I will come and help you this weekend." I feel better. My hope lifts. I am more patient with my children. I study after he falls asleep. Maybe it will be ok. I can do this; hope is rising.
Thank God for mothers.

Neuro Lecture

Did you know that our brains shrink when we age? I mean, literally, in the sixth or seventh generation of life our brain mass reduces. There is empty space between the skull and the brain. I would really like this not to happen to me. I rather like my brain. I think I'm afraid of brain shrinkage. I wonder if there is a phobia associated with this? Neuropicaphobia? Hmmm... What will I loose? I store a lot of things in there that I'd like to keep. I think I could do without some things, maybe. I took a class at Tech, something like South American geology...perhaps I don't need that. Perhaps I've already lost that. Oh no, is it happening already? Let's see, Dominican Republic...ummm...bananas....oh no, it is happening. I wonder if I could start organizing the files in my mind so that I could toss certain things in the recycle bin, near the top of my brain, while keeping other really important things, like pharmacology and Classical Hebrew, deeper in my brain? Can anyone troubleshoot that for me?