How He Loves

I'm not a trendy Christian.  I don't keep up with the latest worship trends or songs.  Sorry.  I mean, I go to a baptist church, so it's not all my fault, right?  (That's kind of a joke and kind of not...anyways...)  So we went to this worship service the other night at a church here in town that I didn't even know existed.  It's this little church where they were having a youth lock-in.  Blah, blah, blah...none of this has anything to do with my point.  So, there was this one song where there is a line, "If His grace is an ocean we're all sinking."  Wow.  I mean, wow.  What a fantastic line.  I've been thinking about it.  How true is this line, this concept.  His grace is like an ocean and living in it is a lot like drowning. 

In my trouble I called to the Lord, and he answered me;

From the belly of Sheol I cried out, and You heard my voice.

You cast me into the depths, into the heart of the sea,

The floods engulfed me; All Your breakers and billows swept over me.

I thought I was driven away out of Your sight:

Would I ever gaze again upon Your holy temple?

The waters closed in over me, the deep engulfed me.

Weeds twined around my head.

I sank to the base of the mountains; the bars of the earth closed upon me forever.

Yet you brought my life up from the pit, O Lord my God!

When my life was ebbing away, I called the Lord to mind;

And my prayer came before You, into Your holy temple.

They who cling to empty folly forsake their own welfare,

but, I with loud thanksgiving, will sacrifice to You;

What I have vowed I will perform.

Deliverance is the Lord's!

Lord, cause me to drown so I may emerge a new creature, alive in your grace; (even if I'm covered in whale vomit.)

What art thou that Usurp'st this Time of Night?

"Is it everything you thought it would be," she asks, seductively leaning against the door frame. Look at her, the whole world at her fingertips. Her confident air is so intoxicating it's sickening. Who does she think she is? She has come here to boast and gawk. She is also angry and vindictive in her tone. 'What have you done to me,' her eyes imply. Who is she? Why is she here? Has she come to torment me? How could she possibly have any influence over me? She has none. I have conquered her. What nerve she has asking me anything! What does she know? What could she possibly know? She has never done a thing for herself! She is incapable of an independent thought. She lives under an illusion of independence. Were illusions ever so bad?

I stand up, facing her. She flinches and she hopes I do not notice. We stand nose to nose, eye to eye. Some things never change. She tries to show her superiority over me. She relies too strongly on the physical. She is no match in strength but she knows she reigns in quickness. She chooses not to make a move in retreat, almost certain I will not harm her. I consider addressing her question, but I resist. I have no need to defend my choices. She would never understand my reasoning. All she knows is youth and beauty. She lives in a suspended state, unaware that these things fade. She has no idea I have not inflicted anything upon her and I let her accusations drift in the air between us.

"I can not believe what you have done to us," she hisses. Sometimes I can not believe it either but I dare not concur with her. I could outwit her easily but I am intelligent enough not to speak. I consider striking her but the perfection of her face stops me. She sees me falter and her eyes suppose victory. Perhaps she has won. How easily I feel defeated. How often I pursue her without her knowing. She evades me every time, only appearing when I would rather her not.

It is time for her to leave and we both know it. She recedes into a memory, from whence she came. She is not gone; she always returns. She lives another day to flaunt her ignorance. I continue to despise her, to pursue her, to hold her, to push her away, to submit to her, to overcome her.

Everything Must Go

Alright. Time to clean the closet. I'm over most of the stuff that is crowding my life. All of these all-give relationships are smothering me. They have to go. I will draw the line between what is actually a friendship and what is a drain. I need to re-file a bunch of stuff. I think I have quite a few relationships filed under friends, when they actually belong under the ministering-to tab. It's not so draining that way because there is that seperation that keeps me sane. Any other minister knows what I'm talking about here. Also, I am getting rid of some antiquated notions hanging in the closet, suffocating my new ideas. How I view myself, for example, needs some revamping. I can not be all things to all people. I will prioritize which people are most important, starting with my children and husband. The rest of it can be put away and some can be donated completely. Oh man, I'm feeling better already. Oooh, I forgot I had this: Value for my time. It looks good on me, don't you think? Perhaps I will have a yard sale. In the fifty-cent box goes worry and stress and situations I cannot affect. For a quarter you can have some relationships that I mistakingly purchased thinking they were friendships. Not interested? To the trash it goes.

Open?

I'm a little too quiet and I need to open up more. What does that mean, exactly? What does this mean, open up? About myself? Who cares? How does that change my abilities as a nurse? Surely this is not what it means. Why does this bother me? It shouldn't. It's just an evaluation, after all. It's one person's opinion of me. It just happens to be an important person in my career right now. So, will I take this to heart? Possibly? I just don't understand. This is bothering me. Why? Well ok; here is me opening up:

I'm not sure I love being a nurse. I hope that I will. I hate that after hours upon hours on my feet my lower back feels like its on fire. It is hard to concentrate on anything else but pain when it gets like that. Maybe this is why I don't open up, because I don't want to be viewed as a complainer. Because I am not a complainer. I'm frustrated that I do not know what to do all of the time. I'm not sure where everything is, I forget things I need before I go a patient's room and I keep forgetting to print those damned med slips! I need to start an IV. I need to learn more about all of these meds. I need to prioritize my time. It drives me crazy that I feel inferior to everyone around me. I'm so ready to feel comfortable as a nurse; to feel like I'm competent and know what I'm doing. I am trying my best. I will always try my best. So, I can not open up at all, you see. I don't want you to know that I feel this way. Frustration and feelings of inferiority are not appealing. So, there it is: I'm all opened up now. Hmmm, I have to say, I don't really feel any better.

I Have More Marks Than You, So There

I was thinking about something the other day. Why do some Christians give credit out? You know, like when someone is "saved," (if you don't know why I put it in quotations ask somebody who knows me), and someone else will say something like, 'oh, well that so-and-so, they really are good for that. They are going to get a big blessing.' Or, take someone who prays for someone who is sick and they get better; inevitably someone will credit the person who prayed. The thing is that some people receive a higher status in the church for this reason. Heck, I've heard people say that they should have so-and-so pray for them because they have more power. Seriously? Do we really believe that? Or, again, how about when a Christian singer or preacher dies and their music or preachings still are broadcast and someone is moved by them? I know that I've heard it said, "wow, look at that; they are already gone and they are still blessing people. They just got another reward in Heaven." I don't understand this logic. If people have some special powers then what do I need God for? Please, don't get me wrong. I don't serve God because he has special healing powers or anything. The only thing I need from God is his love and salvation, both of which are mine without the asking. Is it not one God who works through us all? Why credit people? Do we really think that God has a huge chalkboard with all of our names on it and he adds a tally next to our name when we do something that blesses someone? After five tallies we get a prize, what we call a blessing? Does this make sense to anyone else?

The Essence

Words. Feelings. Emotions. All jumbled together within me. I cannot express them. I am without. I am a conundrum. I want to write, to express myself, to open my soul and bleed it a little. I need an outlet. It's all wrapped up inside of me. A mix of feelings unspoken, perhaps not yet perceivable, even to me. I need to release, to exhale, to clear my mind. I need you, as well, in the way you need me. Something brought you here. You've read me before; now you're back. Intriguing, isn't it? All of us now are gathered here, where time and space seem irrelevant. Matters, doesn't matter, matters, non-matters, all jumbled together here. All found, all lost. Anger, expressed. Grief, found. Sorrow, expounded. Happiness, sought. Joy, obtained.

Peace.

Love.

Peace.

Love.

God, man, and the distance between them.

Peace.

Love.

Peace.

All of our feelings amount to this. This is the end of all humanity. This is the intention. Why we are without, why we suffer. It is all for peace, love.

Peace.

Love.

It all amounts to this. It all falls apart and is collected into this: Peace, love. Welcome to the love of God, the peace that surpasses all understanding. Emotions can not overcome it. The tides do not erode it. It is the beginning and the end. The matter of all things. Broken I am and peace speaks. Humble I become and love overflows. Welcome. Take it all in. Here I am laid bare. I fall into submission and the essence of all things overtakes me, overtakes you.

Peace.

Love.

Love.

Peace.

This too?

I am sooo hungry! Man, what I eat is not what I want to be watching! !! (Extra exclamation points just for good measure!) !! (One more time: !! I'm done now.) Anyways, I am t-h-i-r-t-y years old now. Wow, thirty, three-zero, 30, 3-0. So, I can no longer eat just whatever in the heck I want to, (like I ever really could. I just did, even to my own detriment.) So, I am mostly just hungry right now. I really want some gravy or melted cheese or pasta or any kind of carb or meaningful fat. It's like a battle between my mind and my appetite. I have to prevail. I really have no choice at this point in my life.

Ok, so here's the deal: I like to control my environment. Why is this one thing so hard? You know, I literally have to try not to control so many things, but this one thing I really want to control has ruled over me for years now. Hmmm, it's a conundrum.

Well, anyways, I am winning the battle for now and I will always do my best to continue. I will learn to deal with hungry and this, too, shall pass...(right, this will pass, won't it?!?)